I'll Stand By You
by sheepish123
Summary: Olivia and Amanda unexpectedly run into each other on the street outside of Dr. Lindstrom's office, and Olivia tries to get Amanda to open up about what happened with Deputy Chief Patton. Takes place during "Forgiving Rollins". Olivia/Amanda friendship.
1. Chapter 1

**The first scene in this story takes place during season 16, episode 10's "Forgiving Rollins", when Amanda is leaving Dr. Lindstrom's office without staying for her referral appointment, and is my version of what happens from that point on between Olivia and Amanda. I wanted Olivia to be much more compassionate in that episode!  
**

 **Trigger warnings for mentions of rape.**

 **Noah and Frannie do not exist in this story.**

xxx

"Hey, sugar, how about a smile, huh?"

"C'mon, girl, it can't be that bad."

It's the rough male voices that catch Olivia Benson's attention as she crosses the street near Dr. Lindstrom's office on that chilly January evening, and for a split second she thinks the men are speaking to her and is about to snap back a snarky retort, when she realizes that the object of their focus is not she herself, but another woman who is striding quickly away from them down the sidewalk. She recognizes her colleague instantly, Amanda Rollins looking for all the world like she is trying to escape into the gloom when she should be inside the building at a referral appointment with Olivia's therapist, instead of fleeing into the darkness like she appears to be doing.

Olivia's head is cocked to the side in confusion as she watches the younger woman hurry away, Amanda's chin slumped down toward her chest and hands tucked into her pockets, long blonde hair flying out behind her. The construction workers continue to hurl insults at the detective, and this time Olivia does sneer at them, telling the men in no uncertain terms to shut the hell up and keep their nasty comments to themselves, which only earns her a round of snickers and another slew of inappropriate remarks. Instead of choosing to engage in more pointless conversation with them, their combined attention now directed solely on her instead of her co-worker, she yells Amanda's name and follows swiftly in her wake, trying to catch up to the smaller woman before she disappears into the night.

Amanda stops dead in her tracks and whirls around, eyebrows lifting in apparent surprise to see Olivia suddenly standing there before her, the younger woman looking remarkably like a deer caught in the headlights, and Olivia's heart clenches when she sees the glint of tears trailing a pathway down her colleague's cheeks. The stunned expression is instantly replaced with a scowl, Amanda roughly swiping an arm across her face and taking a small step backwards.

"What are you doing here, Sergeant?" Her subordinate's voice is low and gravelly, shaking slightly with emotion, a distinctive undercurrent of anger lacing her tone. "Are you spying on me or something? It's not enough that you made me make an appointment with your therapist, but now you're checking up on me to see if I've gone?"

Olivia stands there in silence for several seconds, reaching out a hand to the detective as Amanda takes another step away from her, the younger woman jerking her arm out of Olivia's reach before she can make any kind of physical contact. She doesn't respond to Amanda's accusations right away, momentarily at a loss on how to answer, because she knows what this looks like; showing up uninvited at the other woman's appointment instead of giving her the space she deserves, and without even asking first, but it had not been Olivia's intention to invade Amanda's privacy. She had known that Dr. Lindstrom had some time available that evening, as she and the therapist had been trying to come up with an appropriate time to set up her own appointment, so the time of Amanda's appointment had not been a secret.

After the younger woman had left her office earlier that day, she had been unable to get Amanda out her mind; her colleague constantly dominating her thoughts when they should have been fixed on their current caseload, devastated on behalf of the other woman, for the hell she had been through five years prior in Atlanta and the hell she was going through now with the trial, images of Deputy Chief Charles Patton and Olivia's own personal demon, William Lewis, swirling around inside of her brain and mixing together in a dizzying array of disturbing images. After wrestling internally with herself for quite some time, she had ultimately made the decision to tell Amanda that she would accompany her to the appointment if she needed someone by her side, as the other woman had seemed so reluctant to go.

Things hadn't gone according to plan, though, and Olivia had ended up being completely wrapped up in an important phone conversation when Amanda had left the precinct at the end of the day and headed straight to the doctor's office, and she hadn't gotten a chance to suggest that she come along as well, to keep the other woman company. The discussion on the phone had ended shortly afterwards, and her new plan had been to meet Amanda at the therapist's office, figuring she could at least try to offer her colleague some emotional support before her appointment, but that plan had been dashed as well, as she had received another call directly on the heels of the one she had just finished. By the time Olivia had made it over to the office, her new and final plan was to wait outside for her subordinate; to offer Amanda a hand to hold and a listening ear if she was upset, but she hadn't expected to see the younger woman escaping the building when she had finally arrived.

"Well, it looks to me like you didn't go," Olivia says very gently in response to Amanda's comments, striving to keep any and all judgment out of her voice, even though she feels a hint of disappointment that Amanda likely hadn't seen Dr. Lindstrom at all, apparently choosing to leave before even speaking to the therapist and therefore not getting the referral that she is guessing the other woman desperately needs.

"So?" Amanda snaps back. "So what if I didn't go? What business is it of yours? I don't owe you anything, Olivia. Just butt out, okay? Stop following me and just leave me the hell alone."

Olivia regards the blonde detective in brief silence, refusing to be pushed away despite the other woman's standoffish attitude and bitter tone of voice. Amanda's shoulders are hunched up around her ears, hands shoved even deeper into the pockets of her winter jacket, long hair whipping around her head in the cold wind, and the uncharacteristic vulnerability of her tough-as-nails colleague causes a profound ache of empathy to grow inside her chest. She reaches out a somewhat hesitant hand again, laying gloved fingers gently against the smaller woman's arm and squeezing soothingly.

"It's okay to be angry," Olivia says quietly.

"I'm not angry," Amanda growls back instantly. "I'm just...I'm just..."

"You're just what?" Olivia prompts softly, hand still resting comfortingly on her co-worker's arm.

Amanda appears to be at a loss for words for a moment, her mouth turning down at the corners, and when she speaks again, the smaller woman's voice is strained, breaking slightly on the sparse words. "I'm just... _sad_ ," she admits in a whisper.

The ache residing inside of Olivia's chest has now grown to encompass her entire body as she gazes down at her colleague, the other woman looking tiny and forlorn in front of her, shivering in the frigid winter air, and she suddenly has the urge to close the small gap between them and wrap Amanda up in a tight embrace. She resists that urge, however, assuming the gesture would not be appreciated in the younger woman's current raw, emotional state, and because Amanda has never been much for physical affection, and instead settles for giving her arm another squeeze, hand lingering for a long moment before reluctantly pulling away.

"I know you're sad, Amanda," she says in a low voice, trying to maintain eye contact with the other woman, but her colleague's head is hanging down now, mussed blonde hair obscuring part of her facial features and making it difficult for Olivia to see her expression. "It's perfectly understandable and it's okay to be sad, too. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Like what?" Amanda murmurs, still not looking up.

"Like listen," Olivia suggests gently. "If you want to talk, I mean. I'm a very good listener." She pauses briefly, tilting her head to the side, still trying to catch the other woman's eye, but the detective's gaze remains stubbornly lowered. "Do you want to go somewhere and talk?"

"Not if it's going to be the equivalent of another therapy session," Amanda mutters. "I'd rather just go home, if you don't mind."

"The equivalent of a therapy session you didn't bother attending?" Olivia questions softly, watching her co-worker's head droop down even lower in response. "We don't have to talk, if you don't want to, but I'd rather not leave you alone right now. I don't really feel comfortable with that, when you're so obviously upset."

"I'm fine, I'll get over it. It doesn't even matter," Amanda replies with a flippant wave of her hand, voice so low that Olivia has to strain to hear what the other woman is saying over the howling of the wind that is rapidly picking up strength and causing a violent shiver to suddenly run from head to toe, but she is unsure if her body's reaction is due to the cold or what the younger woman has just said.

"You'll get over it? Just like that?" she asks quietly, one eyebrow arching in response, ducking down slightly to try and get a look at the blonde detective's face, but Amanda seems more determined than ever not to meet her gaze. "And I think it matters, Amanda. It matters a lot."

"I got over what happened back in Atlanta, and I can get over this too," her colleague mumbles resolutely. "The trial will be done soon enough, and Patton will be gone, and then everything will go back to normal, like it never even happened. It's not that big a deal."

"Is that so?" Olivia answers gently, doing everything she possibly can now to keep herself from touching Amanda, because the other woman's softly uttered statement is breaking her heart, but the blonde detective is so clearly wishing that she was absolutely anywhere but here, so she refrains from making any movements toward her. "Like it never even happened, huh?"

"That's right," Amanda says, her voice more firm now, and Olivia rubs a tired hand over her mouth for a moment, trying to choose her next words very carefully.

"I don't think it's that simple, Amanda. I think you have to deal with things first before trying to put them behind you."

"It's that simple for me," the younger woman insists stubbornly, still staring at the ground. "It's always been that simple."

"Has it?" Olivia murmurs softly, still trying in vain to catch her colleague's eye. "Why don't I believe you?" she adds, noticing the sharp flinch of the detective's body as she speaks.

"I'm not asking you to believe me, Olivia," Amanda snaps back. "Believe what you want, I really don't care." The younger woman heaves a disgruntled sigh, glancing surreptitiously from side to side now, like she is discreetly looking for some way to back gracefully out of this conversation and continue on with her escape. "Are we done here?"

"No, we're not done here," Olivia replies, voice taking on a somewhat sterner tone as she intently observes the other woman's body language, noticing the extreme shuddering of Amanda's small frame and the way the blonde detective is twisting her hands repeatedly around one another, apparently having decided against wearing gloves in this frigid winter air, and she thinks how cold her co-worker must be. "I told you that I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone right now."

"You know you're only my boss at work, right?" Amanda mutters in response. "You can't dictate what I do outside of the precinct, Olivia; whether or not I go to a therapy appointment and whether or not I have to stand here and have this pointless discussion with you. I'm free to do whatever I damn well please."

There is complete silence between them for a long moment, Olivia regarding her colleague more intensely now and attentively observing her behavior; the shaking of Amanda's limbs becoming more pronounced and the smaller woman keeping her face steadfastly averted, huddling into herself as if in shame, the harsh words she has just spoken not matching her actions.

"Okay," Olivia finally concedes softly, when the quiet continues to stretch out between them, and she holds her hands up in front of her in a gesture of surrender, even though Amanda's gaze is still fixed firmly on the icy sidewalk, the younger woman still refusing to make eye contact. "You're right, Amanda. You're free to do whatever you please, and I should just leave you alone, if that's what you really want. I'm sorry."

Her response is met by more silence, Olivia fully expecting the detective to just turn on her heel and march away into the night without uttering another word, finally free of her sergeant's probing questions, but Amanda remains right where she is, head tilting slightly to the side as if suddenly undecided about what she wants to do. Olivia is quiet, waiting to see how the younger woman is going to respond, and hoping Amanda will ultimately decide to take her up on her offer, the worry and empathy she is feeling for the detective drowning out any other thought in her mind.

"So if we go somewhere, I have the option of just sitting there and not talking?" her colleague finally asks skeptically. "You're not going to try and force me into another awkward conversation, like the one we're having right now?"

"I would never force you to do anything that you don't want to do," Olivia assures her gently, privately admitting that just sitting there and not saying a word to each other will likely be even more awkward and uncomfortable than the discussion they are currently having, but choosing not to put a voice to her thoughts. "I just want to make sure you're okay." She pauses briefly. "So, what do you say? Do you want to spend some time together?"

Amanda shrugs in response, breath hitching slightly in her throat, and it sounds like the younger woman is trying to stifle a sudden sob. The blonde detective reaches up to cover her face with her hands, and Olivia steps forward, realizing that she is invading the smaller woman's personal space but unable to just stand back and do nothing when her colleague looks as if she is on the verge of a breakdown. She grasps lightly onto Amanda's wrists, thumbs stroking delicately along the back of her bare hands, trying to get the other woman to lower her arms. Her colleague looks diminutive and fragile, so unlike her usual self, and although she is the smallest and youngest member of the squad, she more than makes up for it with her personality and attitude and resilience, and it hurts Olivia deeply to see Amanda acting this way, so broken down and defeated.

"Come on, honey," she urges softly, the pet name slipping out before she can stop it, rubbing Amanda's hands briskly between her own to try and infuse them with some heat. "Let's get out of the freezing cold and go somewhere nice and warm. Is that okay with you?"

Amanda shrugs again, but this time she raises her head a minuscule amount, looking up at Olivia through long lashes, her lower lip caught between her teeth. "Where do you want to go?" she mumbles reluctantly.

Olivia smiles gratefully at the smaller woman, relief spreading through her at Amanda's apparent agreement. "I know just the place," she replies warmly, and watches the corner of her colleague's lip quirk up in the barest hint of acknowledgment. "We can get a hot drink and just relax for a little while. It's not too far from here, so we can walk. What do you say?" Her eyebrows are raised hopefully as she awaits a response, and Amanda holds her gaze for a long moment before shrugging for a third time.

"Sure," the smaller woman whispers, voice sounding slightly choked up, and Olivia decides to take a chance, slowly reaching over to hook her arm through Amanda's.

To her complete surprise, the blonde detective doesn't pull away, instead choosing to snuggle in closer to Olivia's body, and they head off into the night, side by side and arm in arm, heads bowed down together against the stiff winter wind.


	2. Chapter 2

"Liv, where are we going?" Amanda asks warily, when they have arrived at their destination several minutes later and are working their way down a steep set of icy stairs set into the side of a narrow building.

"Just a little place that I found after one of my first appointments with Dr. Lindstrom," Olivia explains, as they slowly climb down the steps, hands locked tightly around one another now, so that neither of them slip on the slushy ice and take a painful tumble down onto the snow-covered cement waiting at the bottom.

"How did you manage to come across this place? It looks like some kind of dungeon," Amanda mutters, when they have reached the partially hidden, graffiti-covered door of the establishment that is tucked around the back of the building, and Olivia chuckles at the younger woman's somewhat dramatic statement, guessing that the bright colors smeared across the dark wood of the door are either the work of a bored teenager or a budding artist.

She notices, with no small amount of curiosity and concern, that the blonde detective's hand remains gripped strongly within her own for a long moment, as if the smaller woman is reluctant to let go, and she gives the chilled fingers of her colleague a gentle squeeze of understanding, letting the other woman know that she is there for her. Amanda seems to realize what she is doing and suddenly pulls away, a rosy pink blush creeping across her pale cheeks, blue eyes fixed intently upon the ground now, and Olivia chooses not to comment, knowing the younger woman is likely embarrassed by her actions.

"I can assure you that it's definitely not a dungeon," she replies with a smile, opening the door and motioning for Amanda to go in ahead of her. "It's just a comfortable, cozy place to get a hot drink after a long day."

"Well, I guess appearances can be deceiving, then," Amanda murmurs, once they have stepped inside, and Olivia watches as the other woman gazes around, a faint look of interest on her face now.

They are on the ground floor of a space that is deceptively small from the outside; a shop that opens up into a very large area upon walking in the door, with multiple levels rising up above them, selling an odd assortment of used books, artwork, and clothing, along with some of the most delicious food and drink that Olivia has ever tasted. The store has something of a retro-country look and feel to it, and they are surrounded by tastefully weathered wood; the floors, walls, ceilings, and staircases all adorned in the earthy lumber, but it gives the place a homey touch of warmth, instead of being overwhelming. Simple decorations dotting the walls here and there, along with old-fashioned shabby but chic furniture, add to the relaxed, welcoming atmosphere, and although the place is quite busy, it is quiet and orderly, everyone speaking in hushed tones and respecting the privacy of other patrons, which is a strange and rare thing to come by in New York.

"This is pretty nice," the detective adds appreciatively, a moment later. "I never would have known this place was here, especially with the way it looks from the outside. How did you find it?"

Olivia peers at the other woman in silence for a brief beat of time, deciding to share something personal with her colleague, since she is still hoping that Amanda will open up to her at some point that evening, despite how adamant her co-worker has been with not wanting to talk. "You know those stairs we just walked down out there?" she says, gesturing vaguely toward the door they have entered through, and watches as Amanda nods.

"Well, I was sitting on those steps, having a really bad anxiety attack, after one of my initial appointments with Dr. Lindstrom," she admits softly, and notices a blonde eyebrow quirk up slightly in response. "I was walking back to my apartment from his office, because it was a nice day out, and the panic just hit me all of a sudden. The appointment had been really intense, since we were discussing the details of what had happened with Lewis, and I was pretty out of sorts afterwards. I needed somewhere to sit down quickly because I was worried about passing out right on the sidewalk, and I ended up sitting on the stairs. When I was finally able to get myself under control, I decided to do a bit of exploring, instead of just running home to hang out alone in my apartment. And that's when I found my little hideout," she continues with a small smile, nodding toward the interior of the shop. "I often come here after my appointments, even when I'm not particularly upset. It's just a nice, quiet place to wind down and relax and be alone with my thoughts."

Amanda nods slowly, and the small detective appears to be studying Olivia quite closely now, head cocked slightly to the side, long blonde hair hanging in a golden curtain down one arm, bright blue eyes focused intently upon her instead of fixed on the ground, like they had been earlier. "I'm sorry you had to go through that, Liv," she murmurs, after a moment of quiet between them. "I'm glad you found this place, though. I can see why you like it so much. It kind of reminds me of growing up back home in Georgia. We had places that were sort of similar to this."

There is silence again, and it looks like the other woman wants to continue speaking, so Olivia waits patiently to hear what she has to say, wanting nothing more than for Amanda to feel comfortable enough to talk to her about anything that has been going on with Charles Patton and Reese Taymor and the trial. She knows from personal experience how important it is to not keep everything bottled up inside, and feels a certain kinship with the smaller woman now, a strange kind of solidarity and bond that did not previously exist between them, since learning of the horrific revelations of Amanda's past.

Despite the detective's anger toward her, Amanda's perceived invasion of her personal business and privacy, and the subsequent avoidance, Olivia vows to be there for her colleague in any way that she possibly can, only just beginning to realize how Amanda's past may be effecting her present; that perhaps this is the reason why the younger woman acts in the frustrating and perplexing way that she often does, taking matters into her own hands with certain cases and doing her best to push people away. There seems to be a stark similarity between the both of them, with everything they have suffered through in their lives, and maybe this is why there has always been a certain distance with them; the things that should have brought them closer together instead pushing them farther apart, due to the nature of their respective anguish and that instinct to bottle everything up instead of sharing it with someone who might actually understand.

"You're lucky to have a place to go that brings you some peace and comfort," Amanda finally mutters. "I wish I had a place like this to come and hide out for a little while. I don't think I could find peace and quiet if my life depended on it. Everything is just too loud and chaotic all the time."

"Well, you know this is a _public_ place, Amanda," Olivia teases gently, although her heart is aching at the smaller woman's response, unsure if the detective is referring to the general noise of the city or the lack of peace and quiet in her own mind, knowing all too well the torment that her own thoughts and demons have inflicted upon her over the years; those dark little pockets of her brain where the worst of her memories reside, coming alive with alarming regularity to force the pain of the past upon her. "You can come here whenever you want."

"This is your place, Liv," Amanda replies softly, with a shrug and a wave of her hand. "You found it first. I wouldn't want to intrude."

"You're not intruding, honey," Olivia assures her, the pet name slipping out once again before she can stop it. "You're welcome to come here whenever you like." She pauses for a long moment, unsure of whether or not to voice what she is thinking, but the words come tumbling out once more, like her mouth has a mind of its own; and she can't explain this feeling that has suddenly come over her, this need to share and be close to the other woman.

It's as if she is finally seeing Amanda for the first time and wants to extend an olive branch of sorts, is desperate to clear the air between them, unable to stand the detective's suffering; a suffering that is so like her own. "This can be our place, if you want, instead of just mine. Somewhere to go where we can both clear our minds and take solace in the peace and quiet."

Amanda's eyebrows fly up immediately in response, the smaller woman appearing quite surprised by this offer, although there is a small smile playing at the corner of the detective's lips now, instead of the scowl that Olivia has half expected to see. She knows that Amanda has a tendency to bristle and pull away when someone is overly familiar with her, the other woman preferring not to let anyone get too close, and she figures she is really toeing the line with this particular suggestion; this sudden attempt to finally begin building a friendship between them and draw away from the contentious boss/subordinate relationship that they share at the precinct.

"Our place, huh?" the younger woman says, sounding somewhat amused now, but there is something else mixing in with the slight mirth; a hint of gratitude, perhaps, or possibly something deeper. A crooked smile is spreading across Amanda's face now, the action just barely reaching the smaller woman's sad blue eyes and filling them with something that appears to be hope, and Olivia can't help but smile back. "Okay, Liv, that sounds good. Thanks."

There is a brief pause, Amanda smirking when she speaks again. "So what kind of drinks do they serve here at _our_ place?"

The ice seems to have been broken between them now, and they stand there grinning at each other for moment, this odd camaraderie and understanding having sprung up to fill the previously awkward and controversial space amidst them, and Olivia feels a tendril of relief as she leads Amanda over to the little snack counter that is tucked away in one of the corners. They order giant cups of hot chocolate and tiny pastries filled with whipped cream, carrying everything over to a battered green velvet couch that is partially hidden underneath the wooden beams of the staircase.

It is very private and cozy beneath the set of stairs, the harsher lights of the shop having been traded for the tiny twinkling white lights that are strung up on the walls around them, lending a somewhat magical feeling to the small, dim space, and Olivia sips contentedly on her piping hot drink, noticing that Amanda appears to be much more relaxed now. The smaller woman is leaning back against the cushions of the old couch, nibbling daintily on her pastry, blue eyes roaming slowly around the interior of the shop, watching the other customers with interest and taking everything in.

"You know you're the first person I've ever brought here," Olivia says thoughtfully after it has been silent for quite awhile, breaking the peaceful quiet between them and licking a dollop of whipped cream from one of her fingers. "No one else even knows about this place."

"Really?" Amanda replies, sounding a tad skeptical. "Well, what's so special about me?"

Olivia can detect the somewhat wry tone in the younger woman's voice now, and glances over to see the slight roll of her colleague's eyes. Before she can respond, Amanda speaks again.

"You don't have to answer that, Liv. I know you only brought me here to try and get me to talk."

"I already said we don't have to talk, if that's not what you want to do," Olivia reminds her gently, not at all eager for this spell of peacefulness to be broken between them. "I would never force you to do something you're uncomfortable with," she adds, repeating what she had said on the sidewalk outside of Dr. Lindstrom's office, needing the other woman to know that she is safe in her presence and that Olivia won't pressure her to talk, even though she remains hopeful that her colleague will eventually open up about everything that has been happening.

"Well, it's nice that someone is actually capable of taking no for an answer," Amanda mumbles under her breath, her voice so low that Olivia almost doesn't catch what she is saying.

She glances over at the younger woman again, her throat feeling somewhat constricted now as she regards her colleague, Amanda's posture suddenly defensive once more, shoulders hunching up around her ears and knees drawing closer to her chest, shredding her pastry into tiny pieces instead of eating the little treat. It is like a switch has been flipped, and the easy silence and companionship that has formed between them seems to have been shattered by this softly uttered statement. Amanda's hand is shaking slightly as she stops mangling her food long enough to raise the mug of hot chocolate to her lips, giving a quick wince as the boiling liquid appears to have burnt her tongue.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that, honey," Olivia says quietly, tone radiating with compassion and empathy, and her hand hovers in the air between them for a brief moment, wanting to reach out and touch the other woman, but unsure if the gesture would be welcome. "I'm so sorry he wouldn't take no for an answer."

Amanda shrugs, giving a seemingly indifferent wave of her hand, determinedly avoiding her gaze again, like she had done outside. "It was my own fault," she murmurs. "I walked right into it. I gave my consent."

"It doesn't matter," Olivia replies gently, taking a chance and laying a hand upon the smaller woman's shuddering arm, relieved when Amanda doesn't immediately jerk away from her touch and instead leans slightly toward her. She shifts closer to the blonde detective on the couch, so that their legs are nearly touching, clutching Amanda's forearm with a firmer grip now. "You withdrew your consent and he didn't stop. It wasn't your fault, honey."

"Tell that to Reese Taymor," Amanda mutters bitterly, her head hanging down now, long hair obscuring her expression. "This whole thing is my fault. I'm the one who initiated it between Patton and I, and then I didn't say anything after it went too far; I didn't tell anyone. None of us would be in this situation right now if I hadn't been such a coward and had just spoken up about what had happened. Reese is right to blame me. And now she has to live with this for the rest of her life, just like I do. Everything is my fault."

"Amanda, _no_ ," Olivia objects sternly, and she closes the small gap between them, sliding over on the soft cushions so that the sides of their bodies are pressed together now, unable to ignore that urge to try and provide some physical comfort, along with finding the right words to say in an effort to calm her upset colleague down. "This was _not_ your fault. He was your superior, honey. He had no right to do what he did to either you or Reese. You have to stop blaming yourself."

"I _am_ to blame," Amanda snaps in response, blue eyes swinging up to meet Olivia's dark gaze, and her breath catches in her throat when she sees the fury and anguish blazing there, the younger woman's composure rapidly slipping and threatening to crumble entirely, as she visibly struggles to hold onto it. "This was a terrible idea, you bringing me here. I knew this was going to happen; that I would eventually break down and start talking. What is it about you, Olivia? You have the magic touch with victims, don't you?"

The detective's voice is bitter and angry as she continues speaking, spitting out a harsh string of words, and any contentment and camaraderie that they had previously achieved seems to have completely vanished in the face of Amanda's sudden intense emotions. "One look at those caring brown eyes and listening to that soothing voice telling me that it's not my fault, and I just crack like an egg. I thought I could hold out, that I was stronger than that, but apparently I was wrong. I should just keep my stupid mouth shut. This my business and no one else's; this is my own cross to bear. I _don't_ _want_ to talk about this!"

The smaller woman's raised voice has attracted the attention of some of the other patrons now, along with a steely glare from the young man working behind the snack counter, and Olivia expels a deep sigh as he wags a finger back and forth at them in an apparent warning to quiet down. Amanda gives a loud snort of derision in response, looking as if she is about to argue with him, like she needs the release of a shouting match and putting someone else in their place, but Olivia nods quickly back at him in affirmation, her grip on the detective's arm becoming more firm now.

"Okay, honey, just calm down," she says in a quiet tone, stroking her fingers back and forth along the material of her colleague's winter jacket in a pacifying manner. "It's okay."

"Don't tell me to calm down, Olivia," Amanda snarls back at her, the surprising amount of venom in the detective's tone making her flinch, and she struggles to control her own burst of impatience and anger that is trying to break free, the younger woman's moods seeming to swing wildly back and forth at a breakneck speed. She is determined to keep her cool with the situation, though, knowing all too well the deep sorrow and grief that her co-worker is currently experiencing.

"It's not okay. Nothing is okay," Amanda continues, her tone lower now, but her voice breaking slightly, and Olivia carefully draws the blonde detective into her embrace, arms closing around the shaking form of her colleague; aware that any sense of privacy has been destroyed with Amanda's emotional outburst and that they have garnered a small audience now, faces peering out curiously from behind racks of clothing and shelves of books.

She holds the smaller woman protectively against her chest, irritated that there are so many keen sets of eyes fixed upon them now, all of these strangers witnessing Amanda's breakdown. Her arms tighten around the small detective, fighting the urge to snap at everyone to stop staring, even though Amanda has brought the attention on herself by her lack of emotional control, her normally stoic co-worker seeming to lack the self-discipline that she usually posses and falling apart in an instant. Olivia knows that the other patrons are just inquisitive about the situation, and perhaps also concerned, and that they likely don't mean to be nosy, so she resolutely ignores them, running her fingers soothing through Amanda's long blonde hair and whispering words of reassurance.

The other woman is stiff in her embrace and seems to be very ill at ease, and Olivia rocks her gently back and forth in an effort to loosen her up, waiting for her to calm down and feel comfortable in her surroundings again, before slowly beginning to pull away so she can get a look at Amanda's face. She hears the smaller woman gasp in response and is momentarily confused, thinking Amanda actually wants to extend the physical contact between them and is upset that Olivia is backing away, before she follows the detective's gaze, her breath catching in her throat and her heart nearly stopping at what she sees.

Deputy Chief Charles Patton is standing by the check-out counter, handing a heavy hardcover book to the cashier, smiling in response to something the young woman is saying, and pulling a thick wad of cash from his wallet. Olivia stares at him in perplexed disbelief, a deep frown pulling her eyebrows together, feeling a prickle of unease and confusion that the man who has tormented Amanda in the past, and is continuing to torment her in the present, has suddenly materialized before them.

The man turns away from the counter and glances briefly in their direction, his gaze sweeping past the little nook they are huddled in, absolutely no awareness or familiarity evident on his face, and his hand lifts in a welcoming gesture as he seems to catch sight of someone he knows. Although his resemblance to Patton had been absolutely uncanny from a side profile, it is extremely obvious that is not him now that he is facing forward, the man only bearing a passing likeness to Amanda's former boss. Olivia expels a quick sigh of relief, chastising herself for jumping to such ridiculous conclusions and briefly convinced that the deputy chief was actually somehow following Amanda, aware that the stress of the current trial is putting everyone on edge.

Her hands are still resting on the blonde detective's forearms, and she looks over at the younger woman, Amanda staring straight at the man with a visibly shocked expression fixed on her delicate features, her skin leached of all color and leaving an ashen quality to her complexion, the shaking of her limbs becoming more pronounced now.

"Hey, it's okay," she says softly. "It's not him, honey."

Amanda is silent, her jaw set rigidly, a bead of sweat rolling down her temple, and her gaze remains completely focused on the man, this stranger who has apparently run into an old friend and is enthusiastically embracing another man who appears to be just as excited about their impromptu reunion, their jovial laughter carrying over to their tense little hideout under the stairs.

Olivia tightens her hold on the other woman's arms, her fingers squeezing more firmly now. "It's okay," she repeats, gently grasping onto the sides of the detective's face and guiding her head around so they can look each other in the eye. "Amanda, it's okay, honey. It's not him."

"I know," the younger woman whispers, voice shaking so hard, it appears to be difficult for her to get the words out. "I know it's not." Her gaze locks with Olivia's for a long moment, and there is a faraway look in her colleague's eyes now, a slight shiver running through Olivia's body as there seems to be a brief second of unawareness in the bright blue orbs that are looking back at her.

"I need to go, Liv," Amanda mumbles, suddenly springing up from the couch without warning, Olivia rearing back in surprise as she rushes toward the door.

"Amanda, hold on!" she calls out loudly, the blatant worry in her tone causing all eyes in the place to focus on her once again, but she ignores everyone and hurries after the smaller woman, bursting through the door and out into the frigid winter night, the freezing air a shock to the system after the cozy warmth and comfort of her favorite shop.

Amanda is clutching onto the railing at the bottom of the stairs, gripping the metal beam so hard that her knuckles have turned white, and she is bent over at the waist, seemingly struggling to catch her breath.

"Amanda, are you alright?" Olivia asks in alarm, one hand resting lightly on the other woman's back, as she leans down to try and get a look at the detective's face.

Her co-worker appears to be unable to speak for a moment, her small frame quivering violently from head to toe, and Amanda shakes her head in reply instead of verbally confirming that she is not okay.

"I know that was scary, honey," Olivia answers gently, rubbing brisk circles across the younger woman's coat. "I think it took us both by surprise for a minute there, especially since we're in the middle of his trial, but it's not him. You're safe, Amanda."

"Oh my god, I'm such a fucking mess," Amanda whimpers in response, covering her face with shaking hands and dissolving into deep, shuddering sobs. "I'm so sorry, Olivia," she gasps out between breathy little cries. "I know you're only trying to help, and I'm being a complete bitch. You brought me to this special place that means a lot to you, because you wanted to share it with me, and I ruined it. I think I'm going crazy. I see him everywhere; in my nightmares and out on the street. He won't leave me alone."

Another agonizing sob bursts unbidden from her lips. "My moods are all over the place and I feel like I don't have control over anything anymore. You don't deserve this. I'm just going to go home, okay?"

"The hell you are," Olivia replies softly but firmly, stepping forward to enfold the weeping detective into her tight embrace, Amanda instantly melting against her body as if she is no longer able to hold herself upright without help, the smaller woman's arms winding their way around her back and head leaning heavily against her shoulder.

"You're coming home with me for the evening," she murmurs into her colleague's ear, swaying them comfortingly from side to side as they cling to each other on the icy sidewalk. "I'm not leaving you alone in this condition, honey. Please let me help you."

Olivia draws back slightly, sweeping a tender hand through the younger woman's hair, pushing the rumpled blonde strands away from her forehead so she can see Amanda's face. "Is that okay with you?" she adds quietly, remembering to seek permission instead of just barking an order, so the detective doesn't feel threatened in any way or forced to do anything she is uncomfortable with.

There is silence for a long moment, the smaller woman regarding her with hesitant, bloodshot eyes, the tears continuing to stream in rivulets down her cheeks, her expression contorted into one of deep anguish and pain. Olivia gazes patiently back at her, reaching down to link their fingers together, squeezing her colleague's trembling hands encouragingly as she awaits the detective's answer.

"Okay," Amanda finally whispers in consent. "I'll come home with you, Liv."


	3. Chapter 3

Olivia is sitting on the couch in her apartment, sipping on a glass of red wine and munching on a handful of popcorn from the overflowing bowl that is resting on the cushion between she and Amanda. There is a romantic comedy playing on the TV screen in front of them; a silly, lighthearted movie from a couple of decades ago that Olivia has found quite amusing in the past but is not paying the least bit of attention to now, glancing repeatedly out of the corner of her eye at the smaller woman perched rigidly on the other end of the couch.

She is extremely concerned for her colleague, Amanda's moods swinging so wildly back and forth throughout the evening that she can barely keep up with them, and has no idea what is going through the other woman's head right now. One thing she does know for certain, though, is that the small detective is in an immense amount of emotional pain, and that pain is making itself known in a variety of different ways; finally beginning to trickle out after being held inside for so many years.

Amanda is consuming her own glass of wine at an alarmingly fast rate, the dark liquid almost entirely drained from the tumbler that is clutched tightly in one hand, eyes fixed on the TV screen like she is completely enthralled in the movie, but Olivia guesses that the younger woman wouldn't even be able to tell her the title of what they're watching, if questioned. The blonde detective's other hand is resting limply inside the bowl of popcorn, like she had intended on grabbing her own handful but had forgotten what she was doing before being able to complete the action.

They had chosen to walk to Olivia's place after the disaster of a trip to her favorite shop, instead of taking a cab; Olivia's thought being that the long, brisk stroll in the chilly winter air would help to clear both of their minds. She had felt as riled up as her colleague had been; her thoughts and emotions on the verge of spiraling out of control and exploding, but doing a much better job of keeping a lid on them than Amanda had. The other woman had spent the first part of the trek apologizing profusely for her bad behavior and uncontrollable sobbing, the embarrassment and shame seeming to roll off of her in waves, despite Olivia's repeated assurances that she understood and that it was okay, her heart breaking because she had never seen Amanda cry like that before. After the multiple apologies, including asking for forgiveness over and over, yet another trait that was very out of character for the younger woman, Amanda had lapsed into complete silence for the rest of their journey.

The blonde detective has barely uttered a sound since entering the apartment, aside from a soft noise of assent any time Olivia had asked her a question: did she want to watch a movie, did she want popcorn, did she want a glass of wine. Amanda had nodded and murmured a quick "Mmm hmm" as an answer for each inquiry, Olivia merely raising a concerned eyebrow in response but not pressuring her colleague to talk at all, if she still wasn't ready.

She continues to observe Amanda from her peripheral vision, the smaller woman leaning her head back with the wine glass raised to her lips, as if intent on draining every last drop, before plunking the empty tumbler down onto the end table with what sounds like a disappointed sigh. Her other arm is still hanging into the bowl of popcorn, and Olivia dips her fingers into the dish, deliberately brushing up against Amanda's hand to try and bring the other woman back from wherever she has drifted off to. The younger woman appears completely startled by Olivia's sudden touch, visibly reacting to the physical contact, and confirming her suspicions that Amanda has not been paying the least bit of attention to her surroundings.

The blonde detective seems to have snapped out of it now, though; blinking sharply like she is coming out of a trace, and gazing at Olivia with a slightly furrowed brow. Olivia smiles gently at the other woman, nudging her again with her fingers, but Amanda continues to regard her with a frown, like she is confused as to why Olivia seems to be trying to hold her hand, and does not appreciate the intrusion.

Olivia gives her fingers a quick squeeze, before withdrawing her hand from the bowl and resting it in her lap. "How are you doing, honey?" she asks softly.

"I'm fine," Amanda mumbles in response, sounding somewhat disgruntled as the frown on her face deepens, before she seems to become aware of her tone of voice and facial expression, the frown disappearing entirely and a small smile immediately gracing her lips. "I'm fine," she repeats, in a more determined tone of voice.

"That didn't sound very convincing," Olivia replies lightly, raising her eyebrows and removing the bowl of popcorn so she can slide closer to the other woman on the couch.

Amanda has a wary look on her face now, as she watches Olivia's movements, the younger woman bringing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around her shins. "Liv, why can't you just leave this alone?" she asks with a sigh.

"Because you're obviously in a great deal of pain, honey," Olivia answers quietly, stopping short in the middle of the couch and not progressing any further toward the younger woman, when she notices the look on Amanda's face. "And after what happened earlier tonight, did you really expect me to just leave this alone? I'm not going to pressure you to talk about anything you're uncomfortable with, but I just want you to know that I'm here for you, if you need someone to listen."

Amanda sighs again, but this time she is shaking her head, and what looks to be a genuine smile is tugging at the corners of her lips. "I _know_ that, Olivia," she says, sounding quite exasperated with the whole situation, as if unsure whether to be amused or annoyed, but Olivia thinks she can detect a hint of gratitude laced through the other woman's irritated tone. "You've told me that several times now."

They regard each other in silence for a moment, and Amanda's perturbed expression softens somewhat. "Look, just being here with you is helping, okay? I appreciate you inviting me to your place for the evening, especially after I was so rude to you earlier."

"Being here with me is helping?" Olivia asks doubtfully, skeptical that the other woman is actually telling the truth, as Amanda has seemed to be nothing but ill at ease or completely lost in space since arriving.

"Yes," Amanda confirms in a low voice. "It's helping, Olivia; really. Thank you."

"You're welcome," she answers softly, placing a hand on Amanda's knee and squeezing gently, hoping the detective will unclench herself from the tight little ball she has folded up into, arms locked protectively around her legs. "I know you don't want to talk, so is there anything else I can do to help? Anything I can do to make things a little bit easier for you right now?"

"Well..." Amanda trails off, and that little smile is playing around her lips again, Olivia smiling right back. "I could use a _lot_ more wine."

Olivia chuckles in response. "Yes, so could I," she admits, rubbing a tired hand over her face. "Is that really a good idea, though? We've both had an emotional evening, and we have court again tomorrow, along with work. We need to be careful, Amanda."

"I know," the other woman acknowledges, sounding somewhat disappointed. "How about one more glass each and then we'll call it quits for the night?"

"Sounds like a plan," Olivia replies, squeezing her co-worker's knee again as she gets to her feet to retrieve the bottle of red wine from the kitchen counter, relieved to see Amanda slowly unfolding herself from her defensive position on the cushions, when she returns to the living room.

Amanda seems to loosen up quite a bit as they both enjoy another glass of wine, actually laughing at the movie from time to time, and seeming to remain fully immersed in the present instead of drifting off somewhere in her mind; this in turn making Olivia herself much more relaxed. The smaller woman is curled up on her side now, blinking sleepily from time to time, her feet resting lightly against the outside of Olivia's thigh. She knows they should call it a night soon, as they both have an early day tomorrow, but is reluctant to be separated from her colleague just yet, wanting to keep an eye on the detective and considering offering Amanda the spare bedroom for the night, even though the other woman hadn't brought anything with her to sleep over.

Instead of suggesting that Amanda either spend the night or begin making her way home, Olivia starts the next movie on Netflix without asking if the smaller woman is interested in watching another cheesy romantic comedy, the blonde detective not objecting at all, and seeming to settle herself more comfortably into the cushions. Olivia pulls a red and white checkered blanket off the back of the couch and drapes it over her co-worker's slack form, Amanda giving her a drowsy smile of thanks in return, her heavy-lidded blue eyes looking as if they are struggling to keep themselves open.

"Amanda, why don't you go lay down in the spare room and get some rest?" Olivia suggests gently, patting one of the small feet that is leaning against her leg.

When there is no response from the younger woman, she glances over at Amanda to see that her eyes have drifted closed, a slight snore escaping from her lips. Olivia gives a soft chuckle and squeezes the blonde detective's foot affectionately, resting her hand there and directing her attention to the television once more, slowly getting drawn into the plot line and relieved to be able to focus on something more lighthearted for a little while. She is quite tired herself but not ready to go to bed just yet, and figures she will finish the movie before waking her colleague and telling her to take the spare bedroom for the night so she doesn't have to go home alone in her exhausted, emotional state.

About halfway through the film, Olivia's eyes are completely glued to the screen in front of her, as she has become quite absorbed in the storyline and is eager to see how the movie ends. She has finished up the bowl of popcorn while Amanda has continued to slumber peacefully beside her, the younger woman's deep breathing and occasional snoring a comforting background noise as Olivia concentrates on what she is watching, her hand still laying atop her colleague's foot, as if needing to reassure herself that Amanda is right there with her, safe and sound.

She has been overcome with feelings of protectiveness and empathy since learning of Amanda's rape by her deputy chief in Atlanta, and is more determined than ever to change things between them; to finally build the friendship that should have been built when Amanda had joined their unit a few years prior, instead of pushing the other woman away and holding at her arm's length because of her own issues. There is a deep shame and regret residing inside of her now, but Olivia is resolute that things will be different with the two of them from this point forward; that she will help see Amanda through the hell she is currently suffering with Patton's trial, and the inevitable fallout when everything is finally said and done, whatever the verdict may be. She will not let Amanda continue to suffer alone, like she herself had done after everything that had happened with Lewis.

Even though Olivia has been very good about going to see Dr. Lindstrom when it is needed, she has neglected to share much with the people who are closest to her, instead choosing to push everything deep down inside, only letting some of it trickle out when she sees her therapist. It is always a relief when she can unload some of her issues onto the doctor and get them out into the open, especially during those times where she feels like she is about to explode from the stress of work and the brutal memories of her time with Lewis, but it's very different than sharing them with someone who she is more connected with, like a friend.

There have been times when she has wanted nothing more than to spill her dark secrets with someone who will take her into their arms and soothe the pain with physical touch; someone who will wipe her tears away, who will hold her after a nightmare. She doesn't dare let herself go there, though; too afraid of exposing the darkness that lays within her, terrified that whomever she chooses to confide in will not be able to handle it and will ultimately look down on her for the excruciating pain and torment that she still experiences on a regular basis; that they will see it as a weakness and the illusion of strength will be shattered, the inevitable rejection swiftly following.

There is a small part of Olivia that realizes this line of thinking is somewhat absurd; that the people in her life are unlikely to push her away just because she is not quite as strong as she appears to be. There is still something that holds her back, though, and she wonders if it's because most of the people she comes into contact with on a daily basis do not have the ability to understand what it is she is going through, despite what they see on the job everyday, as they have not had personal experience with it.

It has occurred to her that maybe Amanda can be that person; that perhaps they can each be what the other so desperately needs: a friend to help see them through their respective recoveries, someone who recognizes the unique challenges that they face, the pain and torment that they have both been through, even though their experiences have differed in a lot of ways. Olivia is intent on slowly building a bridge between Amanda and herself; wants to begin putting their contentious past behind them and start to move forward with a clean slate and a new relationship as friends as well as colleagues.

There is a sudden soft tap against the outside of Olivia's thigh where Amanda's foot is still resting, and she looks over at the younger woman curiously, thinking the detective is trying to get her attention somehow, strangely choosing to nudge her with her foot instead of speaking. Amanda does not appear to be awake, though; her eyes remaining closed and another soft snore emanating from between her lips. Olivia figures the other woman is just a restless sleeper, and she gives the small foot a light squeeze before turning her attention back to the screen.

A moment later, there is another nudge against her thigh, and this time the touch is not quite so gentle.

"Ouch," Olivia mutters, her gaze swinging back around to fix intently on her colleague, Amanda beginning to move more vigorously beneath the blanket now, her toes curling and digging hard into Olivia's leg through the material of her dress pants.

The smaller woman's eyes are clenched shut now, and there is a thin film of sweat beaded on her upper lip, Amanda's hands coiling into tight fists, and her mouth opening to emit a low, drawn-out moan.

"Hey," Olivia whispers, sitting up straighter on the couch and squeezing the blonde detective's foot more firmly. "Wake up, honey."

Her co-worker starts writhing underneath the blanket, her arms flailing into the air and both of her feet making hard, repeated contact with the outside of Olivia's thigh, kicking her forcefully, Amanda mumbling something over and over under her breath, but she is unable to make out the words. Olivia quickly grasps onto each thrashing foot, catching them both in mid-air and holding them gently but sturdily in her grip before they can strike her again.

"Wake up, honey," she repeats softly, trying to keep the other woman still so neither of them get hurt beyond the minor injuries she herself has just sustained, sure that she can already feel the bruises blooming along her leg.

Amanda suddenly goes limp, her limbs flopping back down onto the cushions and feet slackening in Olivia's steady grip, before curling up onto her side in a tight little ball, her knees drawn up to her chest, the disheveled blanket lying askew across her shivering body.

"Hey, Amanda, are you awake?" Olivia asks in concern, sliding down onto the floor and kneeling in front of the couch, running a hand along her colleague's scrunched up form and tucking the blanket snugly back around her.

Amanda's eyes are still closed but her face is pressing hard into the pillow and she is whimpering quietly, Olivia's heart aching at the mournful sound. She strokes her fingers through the smaller woman's mussed blonde hair, carefully swiping the strands away from her face so she can try and get a look at Amanda's expression. The detective's brow is deeply furrowed and there is a tear balancing precariously on the bottom of her long lashes, Olivia reaching out to gently wipe it away with the pad of her thumb.

"It's okay, honey, you're safe," she whispers tenderly. "You're safe here with me."

Amanda appears to settle down at these words, her body thoroughly relaxing under Olivia's soft touch, and she doesn't think the other woman had even fully woken up before being sucked back down into the depths of unconsciousness. Olivia wonders what Amanda had been dreaming about, although she is pretty sure she can guess, and her heart hurts for the torment and anguish that the younger woman is currently experiencing, wishing she could do something to take her pain away.

She remains there on the floor long after Amanda's breathing has evened out and the distressing noises have stopped emanating from between her lips, the other woman having drifted back into a peaceful sleep. Olivia continues running a hand over the smaller woman's head, the citrus-scented blonde locks slipping through her fingers like silk, and she finds herself needing this physical contact just as much as Amanda obviously does, the small detective leaning into her touch while she snoozes.

When Olivia finally begins to pull away from her colleague, intent on getting to her feet and cleaning up the small mess they have made with the popcorn and the wine before finishing the rest of the movie, Amanda suddenly lets loose with another plaintive whimper, this one louder than the last.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, I'm here," Olivia soothes, immediately getting back into her former position on the floor and resuming the gentle hair-stroking, feathering her fingers through the long strands before caressing a hand over Amanda's cheekbone, trying to rouse the younger woman from her tortured slumber.

"Don't leave me alone," Amanda murmurs, eyes still closed and voice so full of sleep and exhaustion that Olivia can barely understand her.

"I'm not going anywhere," Olivia assures her colleague quietly, her throat tightening when the small detective reaches up to grasp onto the hand that is smoothing through her hair again, linking their fingers together and bringing them down to rest beneath her chin, seeming to cuddle into their joined hands.

Olivia feels tears pricking her eyelids at this uncharacteristic display of vulnerability and need from the younger woman, and she sighs softly as she lifts her other hand to resume running her fingers comfortingly through the long blonde locks, Amanda leaning into her touch once again.

"Hey, honey, how about you get up and let me help you into the spare bedroom so you can get a proper night's sleep, okay?" she suggests in a whisper. "You don't want to spend the night on the couch. It's not very comfortable. And you need to be well-rested for tomorrow," she adds, thinking of another long day spent at the precinct and in court, and wishing she could just give Amanda a break from everything for a little while.

"I can't get up; I'm still asleep," Amanda mumbles under her breath, and Olivia chuckles softly, blinking back her tears and scratching her nails lightly against the other woman's scalp.

"Honey, you're not asleep," she corrects in amusement. "We're having a conversation with each other."

"No, I'm still asleep," Amanda insists stubbornly, and Olivia laughs outright at this silly statement, the other woman not even bothering to crack an eyelid open while they have this discussion, looking ridiculously adorable all curled up on the couch like a tired little girl, a look of innocence about her that Olivia doesn't often see.

"Well, if you're still asleep, how are we talking to each other, then?" she challenges with a smirk.

"I'm talking in my sleep?" Amanda replies, brow wrinkling as if this is quite a perplexing question to have to deal with in her current drowsy state, and Olivia laughs again, watching as the other woman's lip quirks up at the corner in response.

"Come on, Amanda, why don't you go back to the spare bedroom?" she suggests again, frowning when she feels the blonde detective tighten the hold she has around her hand, clenching their fingers more firmly together. "What's wrong, honey?" she asks, the mirth instantly being replaced with concern.

"Nothing's wrong; I'm fine right here," Amanda mutters, still not opening her eyes and curling more tightly into herself on the cushions.

Olivia is quiet for a moment as she gazes thoughtfully down at the smaller woman, pretty sure she knows what is going on; that Amanda is too frightened to be by herself because of whatever had been haunting her in her nightmares, but is reluctant to ruin her tough-cop image anymore than she already has that evening by admitting that she doesn't want to sleep in a separate bedroom for the rest of the night and finding it easier to just remain right there on the couch.

She knows that what she is about to suggest is not entirely appropriate, given that Amanda is her subordinate at the precinct and she should be maintaining a certain distance between them, but the words exit her lips anyway, unable to stand leaving her colleague alone for the night when the younger woman is clearly scared and in so much emotional pain.

"You can sleep with me in my room tonight, if that's what you want," Olivia says softly, scratching her nails lightly against Amanda's scalp again, to try and get the detective to actually open her eyes while they talk.

"Isn't it against the rules to sleep with my boss?" Amanda murmurs groggily, already sounding like she is drifting back to sleep again, although one eyebrow is arching dramatically, as if Olivia has suggested that something untoward is going to take place between them during the night.

She can't help but sputter out another laugh as she listens to the younger woman speak and observes the expression on her face, Amanda somehow managing to look scandalized and amused and grateful all at the same time, and without even opening her eyes; the blonde detective proving to be quite entertaining in her sleep-addled state. Olivia suspects that her colleague is making an effort to keep things light and funny, though; intent on diverting her attention away from the actual problem, Amanda still unable to admit that she needs someone with her for the remainder of the night so she doesn't have to be alone with the nightmares that are plaguing her.

"I already agreed to sleep with one boss, and look where that got me," Amanda suddenly says, and Olivia's heart seizes painfully in her chest, breath catching in her throat at the seemingly casual indifference of the softly uttered words.

She puts a hand briefly against her mouth as she is overcome by a wave of shame and regret for even suggesting such a thing; that obviously the invitation had only come from a good and innocent place, wanting nothing more than for her colleague to feel safe and comforted for the duration of the night, and to be able to get some much-needed rest before their long day tomorrow. Olivia had in no way meant to conjure up horrific memories of Amanda's past in Atlanta with Deputy Chief Patton, as the other woman has already suffered quite enough over the past few hours, but realizes with a growing dread that just by proposing they spend the night together in the same bed, the suggestion may very well have brought back a slew of unwanted memories for the small detective.

"Oh my god, Amanda, I am so sorry," she chokes out, completely stricken now. "I didn't mean to- I was only trying- I shouldn't have-" She is having trouble forming the right words, her heart pounding in a sickening rhythm inside her chest, terrified that Amanda is making light of something that is actually disturbing her; that she has unwittingly caused the younger woman more pain and fear and has stepped way over the line of what is considered appropriate behavior between them.

Olivia realizes that Amanda has finally cracked an eye open and is gazing at her with a perplexed frown fixed on her face, a small hand appearing from underneath the blanket and hovering in the air amidst them for several seconds, as if the other woman is intent on comforting her, but then seeming to think better of it as she tucks her arm back beneath the fuzzy material.

"Olivia, relax," Amanda says, her voice laced with confusion. "I was just kidding around."

"Do you really think this is something you should be joking about?" Olivia asks gently, watching as the expression on Amanda's face becomes shuttered, the younger woman seeming to withdraw further into herself. "I hope you know I would never do anything like that. I would never hurt you."

"Of _course_ I know that, Olivia," Amanda huffs out in exasperation, a dark pink flush of embarrassment creeping across her pale cheeks. "I was just trying to-"

"You were just trying to make light of a situation that bothers you because it's easier than letting yourself feel the hurt?" Olivia supplies quietly, observing the small detective carefully, Amanda's gaze sliding away from her own and focusing on something in the distance. "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, honey. I didn't mean to make you think about things that happened in the past."

"It's fine," Amanda mutters, rolling her eyes and waving a flippant hand, like she she is trying to convince them both that she is entirely unconcerned with this discussion, but Olivia knows better. "I was already thinking about them, anyway. I never seem to _stop_ thinking about them."

She pauses for a long moment, her gaze meeting Olivia's again, and the anguish residing in the other woman's big blue eyes is enough to take her breath away again. "It's just that sometimes...one word...or one sentence...it just brings certain details of what happened back into sharper focus, no matter how innocent the intentions were. All of a sudden it's not just a vague memory anymore; it's just right there, like it's happening all over again. I can see it so clearly..."

"I am so sorry, honey," Olivia replies in a hushed tone of voice, and she can feel tears brimming in her eyes now; very familiar with what Amanda is describing, as this is the way it so often is for she herself, a benignly uttered word or sentence enough to induce a flashback of epic proportions, the person she is having the conversation with usually none the wiser, and she is horrified that she had been the one to cause this for Amanda.

"It's okay, Liv," the younger woman answers softly, and Olivia's heart melts at the obvious compassion on her colleague's face and in her voice, touched that Amanda is capable of feeling such empathy while she is currently experiencing an intense amount of her own suffering. "You didn't do anything wrong. I appreciate the offer, I really do. I just never know what's going to trigger me."

"I understand. But I should have known that a suggestion like that would be a trigger for you," Olivia whispers, blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay, and she sees that Amanda's eyes are looking quite misty as well. She has to keep herself from reaching out to touch the smaller woman, as Amanda looks so tiny and vulnerable huddled up beneath the blanket, her expression so clearly radiating hurt and sorrow and a variety of different emotions, but she doesn't want to induce anymore bad memories than she already has.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Liv," Amanda says gently, and Olivia watches as a tentative hand makes its way out from underneath the blanket again, fluttering uncertainly for a moment before coming to rest lightly upon her shoulder.

Olivia smiles tenderly at her colleague, reaching up to cover Amanda's hand with her own, and giving it a quick squeeze.

"To be honest..." Amanda's voice trails off, the smaller woman looking unsure of what she is about to say, and Olivia squeezes her hand again, urging her to continue. "To be honest, even just sleeping in a bed has been triggering me lately. I've slept on my couch since Patton arrived in New York. And even though he has never set foot in my bedroom and has obviously never been in my bed, all I can think about is that bed in the motel room. It's weird, isn't it?"

"It's not weird at all," Olivia assures her softly, aware of a deep ache dwelling inside of her chest now, and she tangles their fingers together, tightening the hold they have on each other, Amanda clutching back more firmly in response to their physical connection, as if she doesn't want to let go either. "Do you want to spend the night here on the couch? I'll go back to my bedroom so you don't feel threatened in any way, okay?" She thinks about how hard this must be for the other woman, Amanda simultaneously wanting company for the night so she isn't alone, but having to deal with the fear that is tucked deep down inside that she isn't entirely safe, no matter how innocuous the situation may be.

"I _don't_ feel threatened, Liv," Amanda replies firmly, her grip around Olivia's fingers tightening to an almost painful degree, as if needing Olivia to know that she is telling the truth. "Why don't we just finish the rest of the movie, okay? I'm more awake now, anyway."

They regard one another intently for a moment, their hands remaining locked tightly together, before Olivia slowly begins to pull away and get to her feet. "Okay," she agrees quietly, and can't help noticing the somewhat forlorn look on Amanda's face as she settles back down at the other end of the couch.

She is a bit uneasy about starting up the comical movie again, thinking that perhaps they need to keep this conversation going for a little while; that they need to delve deeper into certain things, but she knows how tired Amanda is, how tired they both are, and figures it would be a better idea to hold off on what will likely be a very intense discussion.

Olivia is aware of the small detective gradually easing closer to her on the couch as they continue on with the film, Amanda eventually moving to sit right up beside her, a blonde head coming to rest lightly on her shoulder. She smiles softly, leaning her own head gently against Amanda's, both of them quite clearly still needing the physical contact, despite the awkward, uncomfortable moments they have shared throughout the evening.

A welcome wave of relief and relaxation washes over her, and she closes her eyes, suddenly feeling the exhaustion weighing heavily upon her body, choosing to give in to the delicious pull of sleep instead of fighting to stay awake to see how the movie ends. Amanda's head is slumping forward on Olivia's shoulder now, her chin leaning down toward her chest, as if she too can no longer resist the enticing draw of slumber.

Olivia descends languidly into unconsciousness, willing herself to let go of all the stress and worry as she sinks down into the deep, dark depths of blissful oblivion. She feels Amanda's hand taking hold of her own and lacing their fingers together beneath the blanket that is draped across both of their laps, listening as the other woman's breathing evens out.

When Olivia awakens again, her heart is racing uncontrollably inside her chest, and she has no idea how long they have been asleep or what has jerked her so swiftly from the clutches of slumber. She just knows that something is wrong; somehow aware that a very loud noise had just been piercing the air right next to her, and she tilts her head to the side in confusion, eyelids drifting open slowly to take in the darkness of the surrounding room.

It is completely silent for a brief moment before the noise shatters the quiet once again, and all Olivia can hear is the frantic, terrified sound of Amanda screaming.


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia is completely disoriented as she fights to free herself from the confining arms of slumber that are wrapped so tightly around her and struggles back to reality, aware that she has been pulled from the murky depths of her own bad dreams and straight into a waking nightmare. She doesn't remember turning any of the lamps or the TV off before slipping beneath the veil of unconsciousness, but the puzzling absence of light in the living room is so utterly acute that Olivia cannot see a foot in front of her face.

For a brief, bizarre second in her muddled, half-awake state, she is convinced that she has somehow lost her sight while sleeping; either that or she is still being blindfolded by William Lewis, similar to what had been happening in her dreams. Although her sight seems to have been compromised, there is certainly nothing wrong with her hearing. The screaming in the room has hit a deafening peak, and is so loud and all-consuming in its intensity that Olivia has to resist the urge to reach up and clamp her hands over her ears to make the horrific sound stop.

It takes her a moment to realize exactly what is going on: that the power must have gone out sometime over the last little while, unknowingly plunging them into darkness while they have been snoozing; this being an unfortunately frequent occurrence in her building, especially during the winter months, and that her sudden lack of sight is certainly not an indication of spontaneous blindness or being blindfolded by a dead man. Olivia remembers that Amanda had been curled up beside her underneath the same blanket, the two of them unsuccessfully trying to focus on the second romantic comedy of the evening but unable to keep their eyes open due to exhaustion and eventually succumbing to some much-needed rest. The younger woman is no longer snuggled up next to her on the cushions, though, and seems to have vacated the couch altogether, according to the direction of the tormented cries.

Olivia heaves her exhausted body up off the couch to stand on slightly trembling legs and tries to pull herself together, her heart still racing in her chest from the unexpected intrusion into her slumber and being yanked so violently from a sound sleep. Based on what she had been dreaming about, she supposes she should be grateful for the interruption, but can't bring herself to be entirely thankful for it as she listens to the agonizing sounds emanating from the corner of the room.

She is intent on locating her colleague in this all-encompassing darkness and calming her down, sure that Amanda is trapped within the clutches of her own terrible nightmare, when a sudden pounding on the other side of the wall has Olivia stopping short in surprise, her breath catching momentarily in her throat and the screaming instantly ceasing to exist. There is utter and complete silence in the room for all of one second, before a tirade of complaints and a litany of obscenities start pouring in from the next apartment.

"Shut the fuck up in there, you bitch, or I'm calling the cops! Some of us are actually trying to sleep in this fucking building!" an irate female voice shrieks, and Olivia just rolls her eyes and sighs deeply in response, neglecting to mention for about the hundredth time that she _is_ a cop, and feeling a hint of disgust that her colleague's agonized wails would be cause for annoyed, offended shouting in return, instead of fear or concern or sympathy from the other party.

It does not come as a shock to her, though, considering who it is that resides on the other side of the wall; the person living next door one of the most miserable people Olivia has ever had the misfortune of knowing. Her neighbor is a tiny, angry-at-the-world, rat-faced woman of indeterminate age, who can somehow appear to be anywhere from about thirty years old to sixty, depending on what she has chosen to wear and how she has applied her makeup and done her hair; an unpleasant, eccentric person whose chosen profession seems to change by the day, having told Olivia on various occasions that she is anywhere from an artist to a stripper to a high-powered attorney but who seems to spend most of her days at home smoking cigarettes and blaring new-age music, and can never seem to remember that Olivia is part of the police force, no matter how many times they have had that particular discussion.

Olivia is about to yell back an apology, even though her neighbor certainly doesn't deserve one, when the woman seems to realize that the power has gone out, indicating the issue is not relegated to Olivia's apartment alone, and her screeching complaints grind to a halt, instantly switching to the more important topic at hand. She can hear the woman on her phone now, likely having called their long-suffering superintendent who lives on the ground floor and has to put up with her neighbor's whining on a daily basis, bitching about needing to have the TV on while she sleeps, and Olivia sighs in relief before turning her attention back to the blonde detective.

"Amanda?" she asks softly, looking for any indication that the other woman is still in the corner of the room, but there is no noise whatsoever coming from that direction now.

The utter absence of sound in the living room is almost as deafening as the tortured screaming had been earlier, and Olivia can feel goosebumps popping out along her arms, the hair on the back of her neck rising to stand at attention. She blinks hard, trying to get the room to come into better focus, but the darkness only pools in her eyes and seems to become thicker.

"Amanda, honey?" she tries again, taking a tentative step in the direction she had last heard the screams, but there is absolutely no movement at all, and if the room had not previously been filled with such a cacophonous noise, Olivia would swear that she is alone in the apartment. "Are you okay?"

"Turn on the lights," a small, raspy voice suddenly whispers, seemingly coming from the direction of the floor.

"I can't honey; the power has gone out," Olivia explains gently, squinting in vain to try and catch a glimpse of the younger woman, but there is only a seemingly infinite amount of inky blackness. "I'm sure it will be back on soon, though. Just stay right where you are, alright? Let me come to you and I'll guide you back to couch, so you don't fall over anything. I don't want you to hurt yourself."

"Turn on the lights _now_ ," Amanda pleads, as if Olivia has not spoken at all, the terrified desperation very apparent in the other woman's tone, and Olivia's heart breaks for her.

"Honey, did you hear what I just said?" she replies patiently. "The power has gone out, but I'm sure it's only temporary and will be back on shortly. This kind of thing happens a lot in this building."

"Turn on the lights," Amanda begs yet again, still giving no indication whatsoever that she is even aware of Olivia speaking. " _Please_."

"Amanda, listen to what I am telling you," Olivia says, her voice slightly more stern now, and feeling like they are talking in circles. "I know you're scared, but we have lost the power, and unfortunately, I can't do anything to fix that. Just give me a minute to try and find my cell phone, okay?"

There are continuous high-pitched squeaks of terror coming from the corner of the room now, a sound that has Olivia's hair standing on end once again, broken intermittently by harsh inhales of air that are quickly followed by ragged exhales of breath. She fumbles around in the pitch black, stubbing her toe on a leg of the coffee table and muttering a quick string of curse words under breath, figuring the bruise that is now blooming on that part of her body will perfectly match the ones on her thigh that Amanda had unknowingly inflicted upon her earlier in the evening, her lower extremities exploding into a brilliant painting of every color of the rainbow.

Olivia leans down to sweep an arm across the length of the smooth wooden surface, hurriedly trying to locate her phone while murmuring soothing words to the distressed woman in the corner. Judging by the frantic, gasping sounds that she can hear, Amanda appears to be continuing to unravel at a very alarming rate, and Olivia is desperate to calm her down before her next door neighbor starts shrieking again and actually _does_ call the police this time, and because her heart feels as if it is shattering into a million pieces as she listens to the anguished, tormented cries coming from her suffering colleague.

Olivia is swamped with relief when her fingers finally brush up against the rectangular-shaped object she has been searching for, and she swipes her cell phone off the table with her hand, thumb stroking quickly across the screen so that the living room is suddenly illuminated with a small but powerful burst of light. She squints briefly as the bright glare assaults her eyes, turning the screen away from her face and pointing it out into the room so that she can locate Amanda's whereabouts, shining the light slowly over each piece furniture until her hand comes to a stop, her throat tightening at what she sees.

Amanda is curled up into a tight little ball in the corner of the room beside the television cabinet, her legs folded protectively into her chest and her face buried against her knees, one hand locked around her shins and the other fisted into her long blonde hair, fingers twirling repeatedly around the golden locks and tangling the delicate strands into vicious knots. There is a steady whimpering sound emitting from that direction now, the younger woman appearing so tiny and frightened and fragile that Olivia has to gulp down a sudden wave of tears as she observes this new and bizarre version of her co-worker. She has never seen Amanda act this way before, the smaller woman's current behavior entirely unrecognizable and in complete opposition to the sassy confidence that she usually portrays at the precinct, sometimes to the point of impatient anger or resigned annoyance on Olivia's part.

Olivia realizes that both she and her colleague are still dressed for work in their prim and proper outfits; no-nonsense blouses and slacks, and that Amanda's blazer looks to be strewn across the floor between them, the other woman's clothing appearing quite rumpled in the harsh light from her phone. She herself is feeling pretty disheveled, dark hair mussed and sticking up at odd angles around her head, blouse partially untucked from her pants and wrinkled blazer slung haphazardly over the arm of the couch.

Olivia decides that her first priority will be trying to coax Amanda out of the state she has worked herself into and getting her calmed down to the point where the other woman can explain what has happened, before finding something comfortable for the small detective to wear for the rest of the night. A quick glance at her phone screen indicates that they are now in the wee hours of the morning but still have quite some time before they need to start their day, so she resolves to get her colleague warm and comfortable and feeling safe as quickly as possible, so that Amanda can continue to get the rest that she so desperately needs before continuing on with Patton's trial later that day.

"Hey, honey," Olivia says softly, gingerly crouching down on the floor with her hands in the air, but careful not to get too close when she hears Amanda let out another alarmed squeak. "You're safe, okay? You're in my apartment with me, and everything is fine. You were just having a bad dream and when you woke up, the power was out, so that's why it's so dark." She pauses for a moment, but Amanda's face is still buried in her knees, the younger woman giving absolutely no indication that she is even listening. "Can you look at me, please?"

There is no response from the blonde detective, and Olivia watches the violent shudders running through the other woman's body, choosing to slide imperceptibly closer to her on the floor. "Hey there, honey, can you look at me please?" she repeats gently, fighting the urge to reach out and lay her hand on a small, quivering shoulder blade. "I just want to make sure you're okay."

Amanda slowly raises her head and meets her gaze, Olivia quickly aiming the cell phone away from her so the younger woman is not blinded by the intense brightness of the screen. Her colleague has that same stunned deer-in-the-headlights look in her eyes again, like she had outside of Dr. Lindstrom's office earlier; blinking like she doesn't know where she is, and Olivia's heart aches for her, unable to stop herself from moving even closer to the traumatized woman.

"It's okay," she whispers soothingly, her hand hovering hesitantly in the air between them for a brief second, before lowering down to lay lightly on top of Amanda's wild blonde hair, the other woman's chin resting on her knees now, her blue eyes emanating a mixture of confusion and fright.

"I _really_ _want_ the lights on," Amanda whimpers plaintively, and Olivia sighs deeply, gently beginning to work her fingers through the unruly long locks beneath her hand, the detective having done quite an impressive job of snarling the golden strands so thoroughly together in the course of her nightmare, that there now appears to be one giant nest of hair sitting atop her head.

"I'm sorry, honey, I really am. Hopefully the power will be back on soon, but until then we can light candles or use flashlights or our phone screens to be able to see properly, okay?" Olivia begins pulling away from her colleague and slowly getting to her feet, intent on guiding the other woman up with her and finding a solution to Amanda's sudden terror of the dark, when the detective's next words put a complete halt to her movements.

"He wouldn't let me turn the lights on."

Olivia freezes in mid-air for a moment, her legs locked momentarily at the knee, before lowering herself back down onto the floor next to the smaller woman, who is still huddled into the corner in a trembling little ball of quaking limbs. "Who wouldn't let you turn the lights on, honey?" she asks softly, although she figures she already knows the answer.

"We fell asleep, didn't we?" Amanda suddenly says, neglecting to respond to the question and instead asking one of her own, but beginning to sound a bit more alert now. "In front of the TV? We were watching a movie?"

"Yes, that's exactly what we were doing," Olivia replies encouragingly, a tendril of relief breaking through the coiled knot of stress and worry that is balled up tightly inside her stomach. "We both fell asleep on the couch while the movie was still playing."

There is silence for a long moment, Olivia listening to Amanda's harsh breathing as they sit there side by side on the floor, the light from the screen of Olivia's cell phone the only bright spot in an otherwise deep pool of blackness. She can tell the other woman is still somewhat confused about her circumstances and what is currently happening; likely continuing to have trouble pulling herself entirely free from whatever had been haunting the detective in her nightmares, and she waits patiently for Amanda to speak again, before suggesting that they get up and go in search of some candles and flashlights. When she feels the younger woman shudder against her, Olivia takes a chance and slowly eases an arm around Amanda's shoulders, careful not to startle her colleague while she pulls the detective against her side and wraps her other arm around the small, shaking frame so that the younger woman is cocooned within her warm embrace.

"Liv?" Amanda whispers, leaning slightly into Olivia's body, and prompting her to tighten the gentle hold she has around her co-worker.

"Yes, honey?"

"I really am here with you right now, aren't I?" Amanda's voice sounds somewhat uncertain, like she is wavering back and forth on what is real and what isn't, and can't seem to come to a firm decision. "I'm in your apartment with you and nowhere else? I'm not with anyone else?"

"Oh, Amanda." Olivia's tone is somewhat choked up when she answers, and she rapidly blinks away a tear that is hovering at the edge of her lower lashes, threatening to break loose and roll down her cheek. "Yes, you are right here with me, honey; I promise. It was just a bad dream. It's just you and me, safe and sound in my cozy, warm apartment."

"Okay." The smaller woman's voice has taken on a slight squeak again, like she isn't entirely sure that she can believe what Olivia is saying and is desperately trying to convince herself that she is indeed here in the present situation and not stuck somewhere in the past.

"Where is it that you think you are?" Olivia asks gently, although she is pretty sure she knows the answer to that question too. "What are you so afraid of, honey?"

She feels Amanda stiffen against her and then shrug, the other woman's head lowering down as if in shame.

"You're not there," Olivia assures her softly. "You're not in that motel room with him, Amanda. It was a nightmare, but it's over now. It's not real."

"It _was_ real," Amanda chokes out in a voice so low that Olivia has to strain to hear it.

"I know, honey; I know it was real. But it happened in the past; it's not happening now." Olivia can't seem to stop herself from leaning down and pressing a light kiss to the top of the smaller woman's bent head, desperate to bring her colleague some sort of comfort. "I think it would help if you could see your surroundings and know for sure that that's not where you are right now, okay?" Olivia continues gently. "So why don't we get up and light some candles so we can get rid of a bit of this darkness until the power comes back on? Then you'll see that we're just in my apartment, and not in that motel room."

"I feel so stupid," Amanda mutters, and this time the shame is evident not only in her actions, but in her voice as well. "The nightmares are just so real sometimes..."

"It's okay, honey; I know," Olivia says gently, rising slowly to her feet and pulling Amanda up with her, both arms wrapped very firmly around her colleague's waist, as Amanda is shaking so hard she can barely remain upright. "And you're not stupid," she adds quietly. "I know how real they can seem, and how sometimes you just need a bit of time to convince yourself that you're safe at home and not back in that horrible place."

"I'm really sorry for everything you had to go through with Lewis, Liv," Amanda whispers in a heartfelt tone, as they carefully work their way back over to the couch, Olivia deliberately guiding the younger woman around furniture and potted plants, so she doesn't trip over anything in the dark and risk hurting herself.

"I wasn't talking about me," Olivia replies, although she is aware that her statement is not completely true, her chest tightening as a close-up of her own personal monster suddenly flashes through her mind, the image of William Lewis' hideous face never entirely fading away, the features of the man who had tortured her more than once seemingly imprinted upon her brain for all eternity.

She feels Amanda's grip tighten around her body, thumbs stroking softly against her sides, as if she knows exactly where Olivia's thoughts have strayed, and is trying to provide some of her own comfort in return. "Yes, you were," she answers softly. "You were talking about both of us, Liv. You were speaking from experience."

Olivia is lowering Amanda into a sitting position on the couch and is about to respond to what the younger woman has just said, touched by her concern and empathy, when her colleague is suddenly clinging onto her with all her might, Amanda's arms snaking themselves around her hips and holding on with a surprisingly strong grip, like she intends on never letting go.

"Hey, hey, what's the matter, honey?" Olivia asks in alarm, pausing in the act of helping the other woman sit down on the cushions and hoisting her quickly back up to her feet so she can gather Amanda into her protective embrace once again.

"I just- I just-" Amanda seems unable to get the words out, stuttering as she speaks, and there is a hint of embarrassment in the younger woman's tone as she grasps forcefully onto the back of Olivia's rumpled blouse, as if afraid of being abandoned on the couch and left by herself in the dark.

"You just what?" Olivia replies gently.

"I just don't want to be left alone," Amanda murmurs in response, her head hanging down again in shame, long blonde tangle of hair obscuring what little Olivia can see of the detective's delicate features by the light of the phone screen.

"Oh, honey, I'm not leaving you alone," Olivia assures her, pulling the smaller woman against her chest and giving her a hug. "I was just going into the kitchen to get the flashlights and candles. I thought it would be easier if you sat right here on the couch while I did that. Don't worry, I'll just be in the next room for a minute, and then I'll come right back."

"I want to come with you," Amanda says hurriedly, her tongue practically tripping over her words in her haste to articulate what she needs. "I mean..." She trails off for a moment, and the embarrassment and shame is much more apparent when she continues speaking. "In case you need help with anything, I mean."

"Okay," Olivia replies after a brief pause, her heart aching at how obviously frightened the other woman still is, even though she appears to have shaken herself entirely free from her nightmare now. "I do have quite the collection of candles, so I could definitely use some help."

She catches the barest hint of a smile gracing Amanda's lips as she directs her cell phone past the smaller woman's body, aiming the light toward the kitchen so they can see where they're going. It ends up being quite a laborious process as they fumble around in the dark, first trying to locate the flashlights, and then the candles and lighters, everything they need seeming to be scattered throughout the kitchen in separate drawers and cupboards, Olivia coming to the realization that she needs a much better organizational system in the kitchen, especially since these power outages seem to be happening more frequently now.

They work their way slowly from room to room with the help of the flashlights, setting up candles wherever they think they might be needed throughout the night, careful not to light too many, as Olivia does not want to risk accidentally knocking one over before the power comes back on, or letting them burn right down to the nub, and starting a fire in the apartment. She decides that she will not be getting much sleep for the rest of the night, as the thought of unattended candles in her home leaves a somewhat uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach, but she doesn't want Amanda's extreme fear of the dark to keep her from getting more rest, so she will keep them lit until the younger woman can drift off to sleep again. Along with the intense need she now has to watch over her colleague and keep her safe and warm while she slumbers, Olivia figures it is going to be quite a long and exhausting day at the precinct and in court, due to her severe lack of sleep.

Once Olivia gets Amanda settled back onto the couch, the blanket tucked snugly around the smaller woman's shivering body, she calls her superintendent to report the power outage, even though she knows he has already been informed by her irate next door neighbor and is assured that he has already called the power company and they are looking into the situation. Olivia is used to this routine by now, as this seems to be happening more often lately, and she says goodnight to the superintendent who promises that this problem will soon be rectified once and for all, and she rolls her eyes at his usual spiel, hoping the issue is fixed before they have to get up for work in a few hours.

When she is done her phone call, Olivia sits down on the couch beside her colleague, Amanda still looking a little jumpy and ill at ease, but appearing to be doing quite a bit better than she had been earlier, and reaches out to place a gentle hand on the other woman's knee. "How are you doing there, honey?"

"I'm okay," Amanda says softly, a small hand poking out from the confines of the blanket to rub sleepily across one of her eyes, reminding Olivia once again of an innocent and tired little girl, and she has to swallow down a sudden intense wave of sorrow and rage when she thinks of what must have gone on between Amanda and Patton in that motel room five years prior, the older man pinning the young detective to the bed and hurting her.

Olivia rubs a weary hand briefly over her face, trying not to let herself become consumed with thoughts of what Amanda might have gone through, as she doesn't even know the majority of the details, so there is no point in letting her mind wander in that disturbing direction. "Well, I'm glad you're feeling a little better," she replies lightly, careful not to let the emotions show in her expression, just wanting to keep things as calm as possible for the rest of the night. "I think we should try to get some sleep now, honey. It's really late and we have a long and busy day tomorrow."

"Don't remind me," Amanda mutters with a sigh, Olivia gazing at her sympathetically and watching the flicker of candlelight play across the younger woman's pale features, the shadows dancing over the walls of the living room behind her.

"If you think you're going to be okay right here on the couch, I'm going to head back to my bedroom," she says, making a move to get to her feet. "I'll find something for you to wear for the night, and you can get changed in the bathroom."

"Okay," Amanda agrees in a seemingly nonchalant tone, but there is the briefest hint of hesitation in the other woman's voice that has Olivia stopping in her tracks and turning back toward her co-worker.

Amanda is slumped against the cushions and huddled so far beneath the blanket that the fuzzy material is obscuring everything except her small face and rat's nest of blonde hair, and again, Olivia is taken aback by the sheer vulnerability of her co-worker, unable to get used to this usually well-hidden side of Amanda's personality that is so rarely made available to her. She knows that underneath all that false bravado lies a terrified woman who doesn't want to be left alone, but who is also loathe to be seen as a whining victim, so she decides to let her colleague keep some of her dignity intact, by admitting something private about herself.

"You know, I was having some pretty bad dreams of my own before we woke up, and I don't really feel like spending the night all by myself," Olivia hedges, shifting back and forth from foot to foot in front of the couch, noticing Amanda arching a suspicious eyebrow at her in return. "If you think you would be okay sleeping in a bed tonight, I can sleep on the floor, so you don't feel unsafe."

Amanda is gazing up at her with a somewhat amused expression now, a smile playing at the corners of her lips. "You're a little transparent there, Olivia," she chuckles. "I know what you're trying to do, and I appreciate it. I'm not kicking you out of your own bed, though, and you're certainly not sleeping on the floor, especially while the power is out." There is a slight pause, and Olivia looks down at her colleague expectantly. "I suppose we can share the bed, though. It's only for a few more hours, anyway."

"Are you sure?" Olivia asks, wanting to be absolutely certain that the younger woman does not feel uncomfortable or pressured in any way. "I know you haven't been sleeping in a bed since Patton arrived in New York, but since it's only for a little while, maybe it will be okay, just this once."

"Well, the couch doesn't seem to be working out much better for me, anyway," Amanda replies with a smirk and a self-deprecating shrug. "I might as well try the bed. I guess I've got nothing to lose this point."

Olivia smiles at the blonde detective, holding out a hand for Amanda to grasp onto, helping the other woman unwrap herself from the blanket and get to her feet, and they head back to Olivia's bedroom hand in hand, in search of something more comfortable for the detective to sleep in, Amanda's work outfit now thoroughly creased and rumpled.

When they are settled side by side in Olivia's big bed, Amanda clad in a borrowed pair of flannel pajamas and Olivia wearing a nightgown, she finds the atmosphere in the bedroom to be much more relaxed than the one in the living room, the flickering candlelight adding a soothing ambiance to the space, and her co-worker seeming more calm than she had been earlier. Amanda is running a hand through her tangled blonde locks, her fingers continually getting caught up and stuck in the snarled strands, and Olivia snickers gently, taking pity on her and passing the younger woman a brush from the nightstand, knowing Amanda doesn't have any of her own toiletries with her, as this sleepover had been quite unexpected.

"Here you go," she says helpfully.

"What's this for?" Amanda asks, as she takes the brush from Olivia's hand and stares down at the object with a puzzled frown, like she has no idea what to do with it.

Olivia rolls her eyes and chuckles, gesturing to the golden heap of hair laying atop the other woman's head. "For your little problem, there. Your little nest."

"My little what?" Amanda replies, quirking an eyebrow at her, and Olivia chuckles again.

"For that bird's nest you seem to have growing out of your head," she laughs, amused at the dirty look Amanda shoots in her direction. "You're not even going to be able to get through that mess in the morning, if you don't do something about it now."

Amanda rolls her eyes right back at her in response, and takes the brush from Olivia's hand, beginning to work it through the impressive tangle of knots. "Yes, Mom," she sighs, and Olivia gives the younger woman a smirk.

"So that next door neighbor of yours is quite a piece of work, isn't she?" Amanda says, and Olivia notices the other woman wince as she drags the brush over a particularly matted tuft of blonde hair.

"That she is," Olivia murmurs, shaking her head in disgust. "Sorry about her reaction, honey. It wasn't your fault."

"Well, actually it _was_ my fault," Amanda corrects, the brushing of her hair becoming sightly more vigorous now. "Do you think that's the first time something like that has happened? I'm getting to be pretty well known in my own building for my epically loud nightmares, since Patton came to town. Although my neighbors are little more understanding than yours." There is a slight pause. "It sure doesn't make it any less embarrassing, though," she adds in a whisper.

Olivia observes the other woman in silence for a moment, unable to stop herself from flinching sharply as Amanda is now yanking the brush through her hair with enough strength to rip the strands right from the roots. She senses that they should put a stop to this particular line of conversation, as Amanda appears to be getting quite agitated again, so she takes the brush away from the younger woman with a gentle hand, and then slides in behind her on the bed, bracing herself against the headboard.

"Can I help?" Olivia asks softly, watching as Amanda hesitates and then nods, and she raises the brush up to the mangled blonde tresses, tenderly and methodically beginning to work her way through each and every snarled knot.

It hurts to hear how much Amanda has been suffering since Deputy Chief Patton had arrived in New York, and that Olivia had been none the wiser, too caught up in her own personal issues to take notice of the fact that one of her subordinates had begun unraveling at the seams and was quite swiftly falling to pieces, and all of it taking place right under her nose. She wants to apologize, wants to beg for forgiveness, wants to assure Amanda that things will be different between them from now on and that the younger woman can come to her for anything she needs, anytime she wants to talk and get something off her chest, or if she just wants someone there with her so she doesn't have to be alone.

These thoughts remain hidden inside Olivia's mind, though, choosing not to speak them aloud, as she seems to have lulled the smaller woman into a more peaceful state of being, Amanda slumped over and relaxed in front of her, shoulders and head drooping comfortably, while she continues her gentle ministrations, finally beginning to work the brush through the silky blonde hair with a little more ease now.

There is an easy, pleasant silence residing between them now, Amanda seemingly enjoying being pampered as much as Olivia is enjoying doing it for, guessing that the younger woman doesn't let down her guard enough to allow other people to take care of her very often. Olivia gives another long sweep through the golden locks, her eyes catching sight of something in the middle of Amanda's scalp, a pinkish-white line that stretches across part of the back of her head.

"What's this?" Olivia asks softly, running her fingertips lightly over the scar and feeling Amanda shiver in response.

The other woman is quiet for a moment before speaking. "Just a little present from Patton," Amanda mumbles dryly. "From when he banged my head against the headboard in the motel room. Something to always remember him by."

Olivia is quiet for a moment, her heart aching in her chest and her throat tightening up, staring at the back of Amanda's head and watching as the younger woman curls into herself, hunching over on the bed and wrapping her arms around her stomach, as if trying to protect herself from a sudden onslaught of unwanted memories.

"I'm so sorry, honey," Olivia whispers, placing the brush down on the bed, and reaching up to grasp lightly onto Amanda's upper arms, squeezing gently and trying to convey through this simple touch the immense amount of empathy that is surging through her once again on her colleague's behalf, that familiar sorrow and rage flooding her system with the knowledge that Amanda had been hurt like this; that this offending mark is likely one of others that reside on the petite body, and again she can't stop her thoughts from wandering to that night, wondering what it was that had taken place between Amanda and her former boss.

She hears a slight sniffle in front of her, Olivia's stomach tightening in response to the younger woman's overwhelming sadness, and she very carefully slides her arms around the smaller woman's waist from behind, easing the blonde detective back against her chest. She holds her there for a moment, feeling the stiffness of Amanda's body and willing her to relax and accept the much-needed comfort, but ready to pull away at a second's notice if the other woman tells her to let go or tries to escape her grasp.

To Olivia's grateful surprise, instead of breaking out of her embrace and fleeing the room, Amanda slowly melts bit by bit into Olivia's body, her limbs seeming to gradually relax and become more comfortable in this intimate position, and Olivia leans them back against the headboard, tucking the blankets up around their entwined bodies.

She hears another sniffle coming from the blonde detective, and Olivia begins to slowly rock the smaller woman back and forth in her embrace, her heart breaking for the terrible things Amanda has has to endure. "It's okay," she murmurs softly into her colleague's ear. "I've got you. It's okay."

A dry sob suddenly breaks free from Amanda's throat, and Olivia leans down to get a glimpse of her colleague's face, peering over her shoulder to see Amanda's eyes squeezed shut in apparent agony, features pinched and blotchy, her limbs shaking with so much pent-up emotion, and she decides to take a chance.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Olivia asks gently, fully expecting the younger woman to reject her offer once again, and is immensely relieved when she sees Amanda's answering nod.


	5. Chapter 5

**This chapter is rated "M" for discussions of rape, so please take that into account before reading any further, if this is something that is triggering for you. I used most of the details from the actual episode, and then expanded on them.**

xxx

After Olivia asks Amanda if she wants to talk, the silence in the bedroom stretches out for so long between them that she begins to wonder if she has just imagined the other woman's nod in response, and that the movement had been a product of wishful thinking instead of actual reality. Despite the urge she has to open her mouth and encourage Amanda to start speaking, she refrains from doing so, knowing the detective needs to take things at her own pace, and if Olivia wants her to open up about what had happened with Charles Patton in that motel room all those years ago, she needs to remember to exercise some patience.

While she waits for the younger woman to gather her courage and start speaking, she watches the candlelight flickering against the dim walls and listens to the faint noises of life carrying on outside of her home. Despite the very early hour of the morning and the fact that they are still several hours away from the sunrise, New York is proving as it always has to be the city that never sleeps. There are the sounds of traffic out on the street below, the occasional shout from some random person on the sidewalk mixing in with the honking of horns from the vehicles, and Olivia thinks she can hear her next door neighbor's high-pitched whine emitting through the thin walls from time to time, likely on the phone to their superintendent again and still bitching about the lack of power in the building.

She heaves an unintended sigh at the thought of her rude, obnoxious neighbor, and Amanda suddenly jerks in her protective embrace, scooting forward on the mattress and out of her arms, apparently mistaking the sound for one of impatience and annoyance that is directed toward her. The other woman's shoulders have hunched up around her ears again, as if either in shame for taking so long to start talking or because she regrets having bothered her boss with her problems in the middle of the night, or perhaps both.

"Hey, Amanda, it's okay," Olivia says softly, reaching out and grazing the younger woman's back with the tips of her fingers, frowning when she both sees and feels the blonde detective flinch underneath her touch. "Come back over here, honey."

She leans toward the small figure huddled in the middle of the bed, intending on scooping Amanda back into her arms, but abruptly stops short, again having to remind herself that she needs to proceed with caution and should be seeking permission first; that backing off should not be the difficult task that it is proving to be, as she has had plenty of experience dealing with jumpy and nervous victims during the course of her long career. She is finding it harder to control herself in this particular situation, though, as Amanda is radiating such an intense amount of uncharacteristic vulnerability and shame and sadness that it is all Olivia can do to just sit there, trying to keep still and silent as she stares at the trembling form of her colleague. The borrowed pajamas that Amanda is wearing seem to be swallowing her smaller frame, lending her a much more delicate appearance than Olivia is used to seeing from the other woman, and she feels that familiar ache residing inside her chest once again.

She tries to stop with this line of thinking; that Amanda is so much more fragile now that she is seeing her in this new and different light, that the strong facade the detective has been putting on since Patton had come to town has been masking this heartbreaking hurt, as she knows her co-worker would not appreciate being seen as anything less than the tough cop that she usually portrays herself to be. The two sides of Amanda seem to be at war with each other now, though, as the younger woman is quite visibly trying to hold herself together to keep from breaking apart and shattering to pieces, the room filling with the sounds of deep shuddering breaths and the occasional sniffle.

The mattress is beginning to move with the force of Amanda's shaking, the bed frame rocking slightly from side to side, and Olivia can see the violent tremors running through the detective's small body. "Honey, it's okay," she says quietly, reaching out again with her hand and this time making very light contact with the other woman's back, feeling Amanda's heart racing beneath her palm. "If you've changed your mind, it's alright. We don't have to talk, if you're not comfortable with it. I'll stop asking you, okay? I'm sorry about that, I really am. I'm sorry I keep asking. How about we just try to settle down and get some sleep?"

Olivia feels a sharp pang of disappointment as she speaks, reassuring Amanda that she doesn't have to say anything, even though she knows from personal experience that the smaller woman would likely feel some relief from being able to get everything out in the open. She is also aware that she needs to be more respectful and less pushy if her colleague is just having too difficult of a time trying to share something so personal, so she shifts farther away on the bed, preparing to roll over onto her side to give Amanda some space.

"No..." Olivia's ears perk up at the sound of the other woman's soft voice, Amanda trailing off as she speaks, and she pauses in her movements, running a hand comfortingly around her own pajama top that her co-worker is wearing, tracing the familiar checkered pattern with one finger. "I'm the one who's sorry. I _want_ to talk now."

"You don't have to be sorry," Olivia replies gently. "Just take all the time you need."

It is quiet again for several more minutes, her colleague obviously trying to gather her thoughts, and Olivia finds herself staring at the back of Amanda's bent head, not knowing where else to look. She spots another matted snarl of hair near the spot where she had seen the scar etched into the other woman's delicate scalp, the knot a product of the blonde detective's anxious, unknowing actions during her nightmare, and she tentatively picks up the brush that she had laid down beside them on the mattress before taking Amanda into her embrace earlier.

"Is it okay if I brush your hair again?" she asks softly, watching the other woman's head tilt to the side as if in confusion, a waterfall of golden locks spilling over her shoulder and down one arm.

"I see another knot," Olivia explains, and Amanda remains unmoving and silent for a moment, before shrugging and murmuring her assent.

Olivia is very careful and hesitant as she raises the brush to her colleague's head once more, gently working her way through the tangled flaxen strands and neglecting to mention that she has a bit of an ulterior motive for doing this; thinking it might be easier for Amanda to talk if she doesn't have to maintain eye contact and they are engaged in a mundane, repetitive task. She is also still very intent on bringing the other woman as much physical comfort as Amanda will allow, feeling the need to be close to the detective while she shares her painful story.

"When do you think the power will come back on?" Amanda suddenly whispers, throwing Olivia off for a moment, as this is not what she has expected to hear, and her stomach tightens with the knowledge that the younger woman is still frightened and uncomfortable in this situation, despite her best efforts to improve it for her.

"I don't know, honey," she replies honestly, giving the detective's upper arm a brief squeeze. "Hopefully soon, but it's hard to predict how long this kind of thing will last for. Is it still too dark for you in here? We can light more candles, if you want."

"You must think I'm pretty damn immature," Amanda mutters bitterly in response. "A grown woman, a police detective no less, who is afraid of the dark _and_ sleeping in a bed. Pretty ridiculous, huh?"

"It's not ridiculous or immature," Olivia replies immediately, her voice becoming more firm now, as she wants the smaller woman to stop feeling so ashamed for behavior that is a product of the terrible things she has endured in the past; behavior that is seemingly quite hard for her to get under control at the moment. "Being afraid of something has nothing to do with age or occupation, Amanda. Would you feel better if we went to your place for the rest of the night?"

"He wouldn't let me turn the lights on," Amanda murmurs, repeating what she had said after her nightmare, and again either ignoring the question that is being asked or choosing not to respond to it directly. "I couldn't see what he was doing..."

Olivia bites her lower lip as the other woman trails off, purposely remaining silent as she continues to brush Amanda's hair, the golden locks shining in the candlelight. She doesn't want to say anything now that her colleague is finally talking, so she just squeezes Amanda's arm again to quietly show her support and encourage the detective to keep speaking.

"They were on at first," Amanda mumbles under her breath. "The lights were on for the first time we did it because he wanted to see me, he wanted to see what I looked like without clothes on..." She pauses briefly. "But after that, they stayed off. He wouldn't let me turn them on for the rest of the night, and I couldn't see...I couldn't see where he was or what he was doing...I could only feel it..."

"The lights were on for the _first_ time?" Olivia whispers, overcome with a growing sense of dread as she realizes that there is more to Amanda's story than the bits and pieces she has shared so far. "It happened more than once? How long were you in that motel room with him?"

"For twelve hours," Amanda says softly, the shame all too apparent in her tone now. "We met midway through the evening on a Friday night, and didn't leave until the following morning."

Her next words are dragged out on a choked sob. "He actually bought me breakfast afterwards. I had been drinking quite a bit and was so exhausted from everything he had put me through during the night, that I ended up falling asleep for a few hours, even though I tried desperately to stay awake. I was terrified to fall asleep because I didn't know what he would do while I was unconscious, but I couldn't seem to stop myself."

There is a brief pause and a deep sigh, and Olivia expects Amanda to stop speaking, figuring she needs a break, but the smaller woman continues. "When I woke up, he was sitting there beside me on the bed with a tray of coffee and a bag of food and a big grin on his face, saying that I deserved a meal for being such a great fuck. I had a splitting headache from the hangover and from having my head smashed against the headboard, and there was blood streaked across the sheets and matted into my hair. I ended up throwing up several times in the bathroom, but he just sat there with this stupid, satisfied smirk on his face, like he had gotten exactly what he wanted, and I should be thanking him for doing something as thoughtful as bringing me breakfast." There is another brief pause, and the next comment is spoken in a sarcastic sneer. "He's just the perfect Southern gentleman, isn't he?"

Olivia closes her eyes for a moment, the brush gliding to a stop against Amanda's hair, hovering there amidst the long blonde locks, glad that the other woman is turned away from her so she can't see the pained expression on her face. "Was he holding you there against your will?" she asks quietly. "Would he not let you leave after the first time?"

"No." Amanda's voice is so low that Olivia has to lean over so that her chin is practically resting on the younger woman's shoulder in order to hear what she is saying. "He didn't force me. I chose to stay."

When Olivia doesn't respond right away, Amanda again seems to jump to conclusions, whirling around on the bed so fast that Olivia has to rear back quickly to avoid cracking skulls with her colleague, the smaller woman's blue eyes bright with unshed tears, the look on her face a mixture of fierce challenge and utter agony. "I know what you must think of me, Liv. You think I'm sick, that there's something wrong with me because I chose to stay even though I knew that it was going to happen again; that it was going to keep happening over and over through the night."

"Amanda, please stop putting words in my mouth," Olivia replies sternly, her eyebrows pulling together in a deep frown, and she can feel the tears welling up in her own eyes as well. "You have absolutely no idea what I'm thinking about, so I would appreciate if you would stop telling me that you do."

There is dead silence in the room for several seconds, Olivia instantly regretting the sharp way she has spoken to her colleague, the previously companionable and calm mood extremely short-lived and completely obliterated now. The atmosphere is no longer comforting and inviting as the eerie flicker of candlelight against the walls has turned oddly menacing, the shadows elongating and morphing into the shape of something vaguely sinister and threatening, reminding Olivia of being a terrified little girl huddled alone in her bed during a blackout and watching the play of candlelight on her pink and white wallpaper, the patterns it created resembling those of her childhood monsters. She thinks how fitting it is now, that the mood and ambience in the room has taken this particularly negative turn just as Amanda has begun describing her time with her own personal monster.

Brown eyes are locked intensely onto blue, Olivia's fingers clenched tightly around the handle of her hairbrush as she waits for Amanda to keep talking and explain the situation, in no way meaning to judge the other woman or to imply that her colleague should feel guilt or shame for whatever had taken place in that motel room. She is wracked with a deep sense of empathy and hurt for the small woman sitting directly in front of her, their bodies so close that Olivia can easily reach out and pull Amanda back into her arms, wanting nothing more than to enfold the detective into her warm embrace and just let her cry, needing to give her co-worker that feeling of safety and security that she herself had never felt after her time with Lewis.

Olivia instinctively knows not to the touch the younger woman, though, as Amanda is shaking violently with suppressed emotion and is slowly inching further away from her on the blankets, until she is poised on the edge of the mattress, her legs dangling down toward the floor like she is ready to bolt from the room.

"Amanda..." She trails off, deliberately keeping her distance from the blonde detective, but the second she makes a move, choosing not to reach out toward the other woman but simply adjusting herself on the bed to a more comfortable position, Amanda is springing to feet and making a run for it.

"Hey!" Olivia calls, instantly chasing after her colleague, worried for her mental state and not wanting Amanda to hurt herself in the dimness of the apartment, aware that the other woman doesn't really know her way around and is quite likely to trip over a piece of furniture or a potted plant, and that they will soon be sporting matches bruises if Amanda injures herself.

Olivia comes to a halt when she sees Amanda at the door; clumsy, trembling fingers fumbling with the multiple locks, muttering under her breath that this had been a mistake and she needs to go home. She strides quickly to the smaller woman's side, hands held up in the air in a non-threatening manner, ready to talk her colleague down from a state that is nearing full-blown hysteria, but fully prepared to leave the apartment with her, as there is no way in hell she is letting Amanda out of her sight during a blackout, especially in the condition she is in.

When the younger woman gets the last of the locks undone and swings the door wide open, they stand there side by side for a moment, framed in the doorway with their shoulders touching, the long shadowy hallway stretching out before them. The emergency lights in the corners of the corridor should be casting a brilliant, blazing glow over the entire area, but instead there is a somewhat blurred, dingy quality radiating from them and lending the hallway that same spooky look as the bedroom, pockets of light scattered throughout the mostly dark passage.

Olivia hears Amanda's breath catch sharply in her throat and follows her colleague's line of sight, her gaze immediately trained on the figure at the end of the hall, the large silhouette of a man facing toward them and standing out starkly against the low lighting. She recognizes her neighbor right away; a lively, friendly young man who lives a few units down from her own, the complete opposite of the witch residing next door, but she knows what this must look like to Amanda; just another threat to the smaller woman's safety and peace of mind, something else to be terrified of in her extremely traumatized, emotional state, and sure enough she hears a whispered "Patton" fall from the detective's lips a second later.

Olivia raises a quick hand in greeting to her neighbor before wrapping a firm arm around Amanda's shoulders and guiding her back inside the apartment, swiftly closing and locking the door behind them. The other woman is shuddering violently against her now, soft whimpers escaping her throat, Amanda's knees beginning to buckle and threatening to send them both careening to the floor in a heap of tangled limbs.

"Whoa, there," Olivia gasps, both arms circling around her colleague's shaking body, hoisting her up and hurriedly leading her over to the couch before the younger woman collapses and slips out of her solid grasp.

They sprawl onto the cushions together, Amanda rocking herself from side to side against the pillows, hands coming up to cover her face, murmuring something about not being safe anywhere, and Olivia instantly closes the gap between them, unable to stand seeing her colleague in such agony, taking Amanda into her arms and holding the distraught woman tightly against her chest.

"You _are_ safe," she whispers fiercely into the small detective's ear. "You're safe here with me, I promise you that. Nothing is going to happen to you."

"Patton's in the hallway," Amanda moans, almost incoherent with terror now, her hands slipping and sliding against the back of Olivia's nightgown, desperately trying to clutch onto the material with uncooperative fingers, as if needing to anchor herself to something.

"That wasn't Patton, honey," Olivia assures her gently, realizing that Amanda is now halfway into her lap, the younger woman a quivering little ball of breathless, confused fear, and she pulls the small detective all the way into her embrace so that Amanda is now tucked up on top of her thighs, one of Olivia's arms braced around her back and the other hooked beneath her knees, rocking her colleague back and forth soothingly while Amanda tries to get ahold of herself.

The other woman's face is buried against the crook of her neck, Olivia listening to the breathy little cries emitting from Amanda's mouth and feeling the warm puffs of air on her skin. Her heart is aching for the pain and anguish that her co-worker is currently experiencing, and although she is trying to do everything she can to help, she is feeling somewhat powerless at the moment.

"Liv, I'm scared," a tiny squeak of a voice suddenly admits, and Olivia presses her lips to the smaller woman's hair, gathering Amanda impossibly closer to her body as she continues to rock her, pulling the blanket up around both of them to try and convey some sense of safety and warmth and security.

"I know, honey," she answers softly. "I know you're scared, but I'm right here with you, and everything is okay, I promise. Tell me what I can do for you to make you feel safe. We can stay right here on the couch for the night, or we can go back into my bedroom, or we can even go to your place, if that's what you want." The prospect of trying to make her way out of her dark apartment building with her petrified colleague in tow does not exactly thrill her, but she is willing to do anything she can to help the other woman achieve some sense of calm and peace.

"There's nowhere to go," Amanda whimpers quietly, and Olivia feels a drop of moisture hit the warm skin of her neck. "There's nowhere that I feel safe."

"Oh, honey." Olivia closes her eyes against her own wave of tears, readjusting Amanda on her lap to make sure the other woman is as comfortable as she can possibly be, at least physically. "You are safe with me, I promise you that," she repeats, feeling so many conflicting emotions whirling around inside of her that they are making her head spin. "I won't let anything happen to you. I shouldn't have asked if you wanted to talk after that nightmare you had. I should have just left things alone. I'm sorry, honey."

"I had to stay with him, Olivia," Amanda murmurs into her neck, her voice muffled and choked with tears. Olivia can feel small hands sliding up from their position on her back and winding themselves into her dark hair, gently grabbing onto the thick strands as if the younger woman needs another anchor to grasp onto; something to ground herself in reality. "It was ultimately my own choice to stay after it happened the first time, but he made it seem like that was the only choice I had."

"Why?" Olivia asks softly, her hands smoothing up and down Amanda's back and arms, feeling her colleague's heart thumping rapidly beneath her touch. "Why did he make it seem like it was the only choice?"

"Because he said the first time didn't count," Amanda cries, breaking into deep, gut-wrenching sobs, and Olivia frowns in confusion, very carefully pulling the other woman's head away from her neck and holding onto the sides of Amanda's face with tender hands, thumbs stroking gently along her temples.

"What? I don't understand, honey."

Amanda's face is scrunched up in agony, a river of tears streaming from swollen blue eyes, and Olivia swallows repeatedly, trying to rid herself of the large lump inside her throat and that overwhelming urge to start crying herself. A long, low wail makes its way out from between Amanda's lips, and Olivia leans forward to plant a soft, comforting kiss on the smaller woman's forehead; her co-worker obviously having a very difficult time trying to get her next words out, the excruciating sounds of anguish emanating from Amanda's mouth proceeding to rip her heart to shreds.

"It's okay, honey, just take your time," she soothes. "You just take as long as you need to, okay? I'm listening whenever you're ready."

Amanda nods and hiccups loudly, followed by another sob, and then begins speaking haltingly. "He said the first time didn't count because I was so combative with him. I was the one who had agreed to meet him there; I had come of my own free will, and then I changed my mind when we were already on the bed. He hadn't appreciated it when I suddenly tried to fight back, when I should have just laid there and taken it like a good girl. He said I was always such a good girl at the precinct and he had expected me to be the same way in the bedroom, especially since my sister's future was on the line."

Amanda slumps forward against Olivia's chest, as if she is too tired to go on, and Olivia's arms close protectively around the shaking woman once again, continuing on with the gentle rocking motion. "He said it was my fault that he had to get rough with me. If I had just behaved myself and complied with the agreement, he wouldn't have bit my lip and slapped me across the face and banged my head against the headboard. But I didn't do anything, Liv; all I did was ask him to slow down because he was moving too quickly and ripping off my clothes before I was ready. I was prepared to go through with, but it was all happening so fast, and he was so drunk and so rough, and it scared me. He wasn't slowing down at all, and that's when I tried to get up, when I started to regret the situation I had gotten myself into, but he wouldn't let me. He told me that he didn't take no for an answer and then he pinned my wrists above my head and said I wasn't going anywhere and that no one would believe me anyway. He was just too strong and finally I had to give up so he wouldn't hurt me worse than he already had." There is a brief pause and the next words are spoken in a ragged whisper. "I was already bleeding, Liv."

"Oh, honey," Olivia says softly, her head laying lightly on top of Amanda's now, the smaller woman's fingernails digging into her ribs as she speaks, as if needing to maintain her own physical contact with Olivia to keep herself grounded in the present situation and not get too caught up in the past as she recounts what had happened in the motel room. "I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm so sorry he hurt you."

"I couldn't believe it when he said that it didn't count," Amanda murmurs, the exhaustion entirely evident in her voice now. "He had just had sex with me, and I was lying there naked and bleeding, and it didn't count. He said that there was a new offer on the table now: that if I stayed with him for the entire night and didn't try to fight back or get away, the slate would be wiped clean concerning Kim and the charges against her. She wouldn't be prosecuted and would be free to live her life, and he would never bother me again. I just had to spend the rest of the night with him."

Olivia feels Amanda shrug against her, the seemingly indifferent gesture pulling at her heartstrings. "So I did. She's my sister, Liv; my family. I love her, despite the horrible things she has done, and I did what I had to do to protect her. Somebody had to."

Olivia is quiet for a long moment, letting everything that Amanda has just told her sink in, determined to put her own feelings of rage and horror and sadness aside to concentrate on being there for her colleague. One thing is nagging at her, though, so she decides to ask. "Why wouldn't he let you keep the lights on after that, honey?"

"Because my injuries had caused me to bleed on the sheets and the headboard," Amanda mutters in contempt. "He said it was disgusting and offensive and he didn't want to look at it. He told me it wouldn't have happened if I had behaved like a proper Southern girl, and that I had made him do it, and he didn't want to see the evidence of my misbehavior. He said he was very disappointed in me, but if I was a good girl for the rest of the night, he wouldn't have cause to get rough with me again. He lied, of course. He had already gotten violent with me before I even started fighting back, and it was pretty much the same thing for the rest of the night. I didn't fight, but that didn't stop him from being rough. He had brought a big bottle of whiskey with him, and whenever he offered me some, I took it. I figured I could get through the night better if I was drunk; that it wouldn't hurt so much and it would make things easier." That seemingly indifferent shrug comes again. "It just made me feel even worse the next day, though. The room was a disaster when we left. There was blood smeared across the sheets and alcohol spilled all over the floor because we had been drinking in the dark. I can just imagine what the maid must have thought."

Olivia is quiet again, her heart aching in her chest for everything that the younger woman has had to endure, and Amanda pulls away from her slightly, sitting up straight in her lap and regarding her with a serious expression, watery, bloodshot eyes still leaking the stray tear. "I know I could have left," she whispers, wiping a trembling hand across her damp face. "I could have walked right out that door, but I chose to stay. It was my fault. But boy, did I pay for it, though. He injured me so badly, I didn't go back to work for a whole week afterwards."

There is a brief pause, and Amanda bites down on her quivering lip as if she is trying to stifle another sob, obviously waiting for some kind of reaction from Olivia. "I know why you're not saying anything, Liv. I know it's because you think it's my fault. And I don't blame you for thinking that, now that you've heard the whole story."

"Amanda, _no_ ," Olivia replies softly but intensely, grasping onto the other woman's arms with a firm grip. "What did I say to you before? You need to stop putting words in my mouth and telling me what I'm thinking. I wasn't saying anything because I was trying to process everything you have told me, and because..." She trails off briefly, and this time cannot stop the tears that well up in her own eyes and come spilling down her cheeks. "Because I am devastated for you, honey. I am so sorry this happened to you, and I'm sorry I didn't take things further with you when you told me all those years ago that something had happened back in Atlanta. I should have asked questions, I should have talked to you about it and been there for you."

Amanda stares at her for a long moment, their gazes locked intently together, before the detective's lip quirks up slightly at the side in response. "It's okay, Liv. You had a lot on your mind back then. You were busy. Everyone has their own lives, right? I couldn't expect you to just drop everything to console me for something that I had brought on myself."

"It's not okay, Amanda," Olivia replies shakily, overcome with regret and shame for her past actions or lack thereof, and resolving once again that they are going to move forward with each other as friends, and that she will always be there for her colleague, no matter what the situation or whatever is going on in her own life. "I need you to know that I am truly sorry, okay?"

"Okay," Amanda whispers with a faint smile, reaching out with a somewhat hesitant hand to tuck a stray lock of hair behind Olivia's ear. "So you really don't think it's my fault?"

"No, honey, I don't," Olivia says honestly, gathering Amanda gently into her arms again and holding her tightly against her chest. "And I hope one day you will believe me; that you will _know_ it's not your fault."

"I hope so too," Amanda whispers, and Olivia's heart breaks yet again at her next words. "But I don't think I ever will."


	6. Chapter 6

**This is the last chapter of the story. Thank you for reading and reviewing. I'll be back soon with a new fic. :)**

 **I had to take this chapter down and repost it because I screwed up on a silly detail, so I had to go back and rewrite some things. This is what happens when I try to write while I'm sick; I forget stupid things, lol. The details have been fixed now. :)**

xxx

Sometime over the course of the next hour, Olivia is aware that she is drifting off to sleep once again; she and Amanda continuing their conversation until they literally can't speak anymore, the severe exhaustion overtaking them both and sucking them back down into the beckoning arms of slumber. She is unsure of who stops talking first, the discussion slowly turning less coherent and more disjointed as the minutes tick closer to dawn, words being slurred as if they have consumed much more of the wine than they actually had. Eventually there is complete silence, the flicker of candlelight that is dancing against the walls becoming blurred in eyes that are burning with fatigue, and finally Olivia can't keep them open any longer, allowing her eyelids to flutter gratefully closed.

Amanda has not moved from the safety of her lap and Olivia has had no desire to ask the smaller woman to take up a different, less intimate, and perhaps more appropriate, position on the couch; their arms wrapped around one another, faces wet with tears, each one finding solace in the other. It occurs to her that they should at least lie down on the cushions in order to achieve optimal rest, if they aren't going to make their way back into the bedroom, but she is too tired to voice the suggestion, just choosing to snuggle closer to her traumatized colleague as they descend into the depths of unconsciousness together.

It is not a restful or easy sleep by any means, and when Olivia awakens again, it is to the familiar anguished sounds that she is getting far too used to hearing; prolonged whimpering and stifled screams, and she mistakenly thinks that Amanda is crying out in her sleep yet again. She is ready to offer immediate comfort to the younger woman, when Olivia realizes that it is she herself who is emitting this strangled drawn-out keening, a noise eerily resembling that of a wounded animal, and that Amanda is now the one attempting to comfort her.

"Liv, wake up," a soft voice is whispering into her ear, and Olivia feels her hair being gently stroked away from her face and the feartherlight touch of cool fingertips against her flushed cheeks. "It's okay, you're just dreaming."

As Olivia struggles to open heavy-lidded eyes weighed down with exhaustion, the now brightly-lit living room slowly coming back into focus, she knows that Amanda is right and it had just been a dream. She is aware that the power has come back on at some point over the past little while, and the younger woman has switched on the lamp next to them, welcome light spilling across the carpet. It is still pitch black outside, and there does not appear to have been much passage of time since the nightmare had begun, Olivia guessing that they still have a couple of hours before they have to get up and begin getting ready for the day.

She tries to shake off the distressing remnants of the dream, but the details are clinging to her like a second skin as she fights to regain control of her harsh breathing, assuring herself that everything is okay. It had seemed so real, though; Lewis and Patton and Amanda all mixing together in a dizzying, whirling array of disturbing scenes, Olivia's own personal demon teaming up with Amanda's to wreak havoc upon them, both men intent on inflicting as much hurt and humiliation and torture as possible. The lingering images in her brain leave her breathless and nauseated, and she presses a hand over her mouth for a moment, desperately trying to get her bearings and keep from falling apart in front of the very person she is supposed to be soothing and protecting.

Although the comfort Amanda is providing is much needed and appreciated, and exactly what Olivia has longed for since her ordeal with Lewis, it is not something she feels she can readily accept at this particular moment, not when the other woman has been such an emotional wreck since they had run into each other outside of Dr. Lindstrom's office; Amanda broken down and defeated and petrified in a way that Olivia has never seen before.

She realizes that during their short-lived slumber, they have slumped down from their sitting position and are now sprawled awkwardly across the cushions, arms and legs twisted together in a confusing pile of limbs, the blanket tangled around their joined bodies, and Olivia tries to pull away as quickly as she can, intent on assuring her colleague that she is fine and the horrific nightmare she has just suffered was really not that bad and is already fading from her memory. The last thing Amanda needs right now is for her sergeant to have a complete meltdown right on the heels of her own, and Olivia tries to calm the racing of her heart, internally talking herself down into a more relaxed state of being. She finds that she is succeeding; her heart rate slowing to a more natural rhythm and the haunting images gradually receding from her mind, when her efforts are interrupted by Amanda's suddenly spoken question.

"What's that?" the younger woman asks in concern, and Olivia sees her co-worker gesturing down toward her legs.

She follows Amanda's gaze, registering with some embarrassment and chagrin that her nightgown has ridden up around her hips while she has been asleep, exposing her thighs; and the bruises that the blonde detective had unknowingly inflicted upon her are standing out starkly amidst the bright lights and glowing candlelight, having bloomed into quite a colorful palette over the past few hours. She hurriedly begins pulling the material back down over her legs and is surprised when a small hand reaches out to stop her movements, Amanda gripping onto her wrist and holding it steady. The other woman's blue eyes are trained sharply on the injuries, her delicate features distorting into a deep frown.

"Olivia, what happened?" she questions, the concern rising in her voice. "You're hurt. Did someone do that to you?"

When Olivia doesn't respond, she feels Amanda's hand come to rest lightly on her leg, fingertips moving across her skin in a soothing pattern, and she shivers at the gentle caresses; her colleague's compassion and tenderness melting her heart, the kindness the detective is showing her enough to induce a sudden threat of tears. She swallows hard, determined not to get emotional over the smaller woman's concern, the deep sympathy and physical touch something she has long felt deprived of, struggling to pull herself together and remain in control of her emotions.

"Talk to me, Liv," Amanda implores softly. "Did someone hurt you?"

Olivia is silent for a long moment, raising her gaze to meet Amanda's, knowing she should just be honest with the younger woman but not wanting to make the night any more difficult for her than it has already been. Her co-worker does not need to deal with the guilt of mistakenly hurting her boss, on top of everything else that has been going on, but when Olivia doesn't promptly reply, she sees something shift in Amanda's eyes, a look of comprehension seeming to dawn on her.

"Oh," the other woman mutters in shame, swiftly pulling away. "Did I do that to you during the nightmare I had earlier? I tend to move around a lot in my sleep." She pauses briefly, her next words coming out haltingly. "Patton does...things... to me in my dreams, and my body just reacts, like I need to defend myself. Maybe I thought you were him..."

"Amanda, it's okay," Olivia says softly, reaching out quickly toward her colleague because she can immediately see where this going, the younger woman already inching away from her and hovering at the edge of the cushions as if she is going to take off again, like she had before. "It was just an accident. I'm fine."

"I'm really sorry, Liv," Amanda replies in a hushed tone, head lowering down and long hair obscuring part of her face. "Maybe I should sleep somewhere else for the rest of the night. I can go home, or I can sleep in the spare room, now that the lights are back on and I don't have to be afraid of the dark anymore."

"Don't be silly," Olivia admonishes lightly, catching the self-deprecating roll of Amanda's eyes when the detective mentions her fear of the dark, and taking note of the blush of embarrassment creeping across her pale cheeks. "You don't have to go anywhere. I know you don't want to be alone. And I'm fine," she reiterates, her voice more firm now. "It's just a couple of bruises. No big deal."

There is complete silence between them for a long moment, Olivia waiting to see what Amanda is going to do, the other woman still poised rigidly on the corner of the couch, and she is immensely relieved when her colleague finally leans back against the pillows with a harsh sigh, apparently choosing to stay where she is. She is far too worn out to chase Amanda down the hallway outside of her apartment if the detective decides to make a break for it again, and she would prefer that her colleague not lock herself in the spare bedroom to spend the rest of the night alone when she has been suffering through so much emotional agony. She knows that Amanda is a grown woman who is perfectly capable of taking care of herself, but doesn't feel at all comfortable leaving her alone after the evening they've had; the combination of Patton's ongoing trial, the nightmares, and the confessions of what had gone on in that motel room throwing Amanda for a colossal loop. Olivia is determined to look after the younger woman for the rest of the night, and that includes not letting Amanda out of her sight, at least for the remaining duration of the time they are spending together in her apartment.

"I'm sorry, Liv," Amanda says again, her tone regretful and heartfelt.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Olivia assures her gently, reaching out to lay a hand on the smaller woman's trembling shoulder, and noticing Amanda's guilt-stricken gaze straying back down toward her legs. "I know what it's like to have nightmares like that, honey."

"What were you dreaming about?" Amanda whispers, shifting slightly closer to her again and leaning subtly into Olivia's touch, her body language still somewhat uncertain, like she wants to accept the comfort but doesn't feel she deserves it. "Was it Lewis?"

Olivia nods slowly, their eyes locked intently on one another now, and she can see it right there in Amanda's expression, a look she hasn't yet seen on anyone else's face, and that is a mutual understanding; a certain depth of knowledge that is missing from her interactions with other people, that empathy she has been so desperately craving but hasn't found anywhere else and has been too afraid to purposefully seek out.

"Not just Lewis, though," Olivia admits in a low tone, unsure of why she is choosing to voice the details of her nightmare, as she has just shunned both the physical and emotional comfort that Amanda had been so willing to provide her, and despite her best efforts to stay quiet on the matter, she finds that she cannot. "Also Patton, and...you."

"Me?" Amanda asks, her brow wrinkling in confusion, and Olivia nods again, already regretting what she has just admitted because she can see the concern and the worry on Amanda's face; that look of empathy seeming to grow even stronger, and she sighs softly, raking her hands back through her hair in frustration, a perplexing mix of emotions taking up residence inside of her.

"Yeah, I was dreaming about all of you," she confirms quietly. "Lewis and Patton were both there, and they were hurting us..." She trails off, biting down hard on her lower lip as she continues to regard Amanda intensely. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"You shouldn't have said what?" Amanda replies, her frown becoming deeper. "You shouldn't have shared the details of your nightmare with me?"

Olivia nods wordlessly, watching as the other woman slides even closer to her on the cushions so that the sides of their bodies are now touching.

"Why shouldn't you have shared that with me?" Amanda's voice is a little more stern when she speaks again. "Do you think I'm going to have a breakdown just because you share something personal about yourself while I'm going through all of this shit with Patton?" The younger woman pauses to take a deep breath before continuing. "To be perfectly honest, Olivia, I like that you shared something so personal with me, because you hardly ever do."

"Well, you're not really one to talk, Amanda," Olivia mutters, one eyebrow arching in response. "It's like pulling teeth to get you to reveal anything about yourself. And it's the subject matter I was worried about sharing."

"Liv, if anyone is going to understand the subject matter, it's me," Amanda says softly, placing a hand over Olivia's and squeezing gently.

Now it is Olivia's turn to frown as she feels how clammy and cold the blonde detective's hand is, the other woman's heart beating frantically through her palm, and she squeezes back firmly, tugging Amanda even closer to her. "Are you alright?" she asks in concern.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Amanda answers, looking a little sheepish now as she tries to draw away from Olivia once more, but she holds fast to the smaller woman's hand, not wanting to let go. "You just scared me when you woke up screaming like that. I had been dreaming about Patton again, and I thought something terrible was happening to you...that maybe he had gotten to you too." The younger woman gives a self-conscious smirk. "I guess we were pretty worried about each other while we were dreaming, huh?"

Olivia gives her colleague a soft smile and puts her arms around Amanda, pulling the other woman into her embrace, relieved when Amanda hugs her back and doesn't try to squirm away. "Yeah, I guess we were," she replies quietly. "I think everything tends to get a bit mixed up when we dream; all the details kind of merge together to create something that's even worse than reality."

Amanda pulls back slightly so they are looking at each other again. "Do you dream about Lewis a lot, Liv? Does he..." She stops speaking for a moment, and then continues on with some hesitance. "Does he torture you like Patton tortures me? I can't seem to get him out of my head. The details of what happened just play over and over again in my mind, and I can't make them stop..."

Olivia's heart aches as she gazes at the smaller woman, and she thinks she can see the sheen of tears in Amanda's blue eyes, a slight tremble of her lower lip. She tightens her embrace around her colleague, leaning them both back against the cushions, pulling the discarded blanket up around their bodies. The power had been off for quite some time before coming back on, and it is very chilly in the apartment now. She can feel Amanda shaking against her, but is unsure of whether it is due to the decreased temperature in the room or the deep emotions their time together has invoked, and she rubs her hand briskly up and down the detective's arm, trying to infuse her with some warmth.

"Yes, I dream about Lewis a lot," Olivia admits in a whisper.

"We're quite a pair, aren't we?" Amanda sighs, her head coming to rest wearily against Olivia's shoulder. "Both us tormented by the men who hurt us."

"It's not as bad for me as it used to be, though," Olivia replies softly, stroking a hand through the rumpled blonde locks of hair that are tickling her nose. "It got better when I started seeing Dr. Lindstrom."

Amanda stiffens against her, and she can feel the instant shame and regret pouring off of the smaller woman. "I didn't say that to make you upset," Olivia says gently. "I'm not angry with you because you chose not to go to the appointment. I'm just letting you know that therapy has helped me, and maybe it can help you too, if you give it a chance."

"I'm sorry I didn't go," Amanda mumbles into her shoulder, and Olivia hears her voice break slightly. "It was just...too scary, I guess. It's a hard thing to talk about. You're the first person I've ever really opened up to about this. I can't talk about this with any of the guys; Fin or Amaro...or the new guy," she adds in a somewhat derisive tone, referring to Carisi, the newest member of their squad who has only been with them for a few months. "I was sitting there in Dr. Lindstrom's office, waiting to get called in, and all of a sudden I just knew I couldn't do it. I just had to get out of there."

Amanda sniffles and Olivia is aware of the other woman burying her face further into her shoulder. "I just had this powerful urge to run; to be anywhere but there. I had to leave. I know you're disappointed in me, Liv; just like you always are. And I understand that you needed to check up on me because you didn't trust that I would go. I suppose you were right not to trust me."

"Amanda..." Olivia can hear the smaller woman crying softly now, and she feels tears well up in her own eyes in response. "I'm not always disappointed in you, and I _do_ trust you. My intention was not to follow you to Dr. Lindstrom's office, it was to meet you there. I wanted to be there with you to offer my support, but everything kept getting screwed up and it didn't work out. I know it looked bad when we ran into each other out on the sidewalk, but spying on you was not my intention, honey. It was simply a friend offering support to another friend."

Amanda raises her head from Olivia's shoulder and regards her with damp blue eyes, her face streaked with tears. "A friend?" the smaller woman whispers, and the way Amanda says the word 'friend', the hope and doubt and eagerness and incredulity mixing together and coming through so clearly, has Olivia's heart clenching painfully in her chest.

"Yes, 'friend'," she replies softly, using the pad of her thumb to gently swipe a drop of moisture from the other woman's cheek. "I would like us to be friends, Amanda, if that's okay with you. I know it's been a bit rough between us for the past few years, and I haven't always been the easiest person to get along with, but I would like to put the past behind us and start fresh. I think we could both use a friend right about now, don't you?"

A tremulous smile stretches its way across Amanda's face and Olivia finds herself smiling hopefully back. "Well, I guess I'm not always the easiest person to get along with either," the detective acknowledges with a slight chuckle. "And I could definitely use a friend right now too. Especially since..." She trails off, glancing away for a moment before looking back at Olivia with large, vulnerable blue eyes, the candlelight glinting off the tears that are still shimmering there. "Especially since I don't really have anyone..."

"You _do_ have someone," Olivia replies fiercely, pulling Amanda back into her embrace. "You have several someones, actually. You have a lot of people who care for you and are concerned about you, but I understand not being able to talk to the guys about this kind of thing, and having trouble opening up to a therapist. I know it's hard and it's uncomfortable, so talk to me. You have _me_ , Amanda," she adds firmly, her grip tightening around the small woman in her arms, needing the detective to know that she is serious; that Olivia knows what it's like to feel so alone in the world, but that she is there for her colleague now, and always will be in the future.

"Thank you, Liv," Amanda answers faintly, her voice sounding choked with emotion. "The same goes for me too, okay? I'm always here if you need me."

"Thanks, honey," Olivia whispers gratefully, pressing a light kiss on top of the blonde head that is buried in her shoulder once again.

There is a sudden surge of relief and hope and something that feels strangely like happiness, bursting up through the deep black pit of darkness and despair that it seems she and Amanda have both been stuck in, and Olivia grasps onto it gladly, desperate for a break from the shadowy monster that haunts her thoughts and dreams, the oppressive misery she and her colleague have both been wallowing in. The knowledge that she and Amanda are going to move forward with one another as friends; that they each have someone to lean on in their time of need, fills her with a deep warmth and comfort, the likes of which she has not experienced for quite some time.

Olivia realizes that Amanda is still sniffling slightly and shuddering against her, and she pulls the blanket up even higher around the smaller woman's body, leaning down to peer into the pale, damp face that is still tucked into the crook of her neck. "What's wrong?" she asks softly, and is surprised to hear Amanda give a self-deprecating chuckle in response.

"It's just weird," her colleague whispers.

"What is, honey?"

"It's weird that I didn't want to come to your apartment and now I don't want to leave," Amanda admits ruefully. "I know I have to go back to my own place soon to start getting ready for work and for court, even though we've barely slept at all." She emits a deep sigh. "I don't want to start this day, Olivia. And I don't want to have to endure the stares at the precinct, everyone knowing what I've done. I don't want to see Patton again at the courthouse. I just want it all to stop, Liv. I just need a break."

"I know, honey," Olivia replies gently, that familiar empathy aching in her heart once again. "If I could take it all away from you, I would. And _you_ didn't do anything, Amanda. What happened in that motel room is all on him, and I'll keep reminding you of that for as long as I need to." She pauses for a moment to gather Amanda impossibly closer to her, the other woman practically in her lap again, like she had been earlier. "We can take a break, though. After everything is done at work and in court, why don't we go back to the shop I took you to last night? We can have some more hot chocolate and pastries and just relax on that couch under the stairs again."

"You mean _our_ place?" Amanda teases through her tears, still sounding both amused and thankful that Olivia had so willingly chosen to share a spot that she had never taken anyone else to before; a place that had become so special to her.

"Yes, _our_ place," Olivia chuckles lightly, realizing how uncharacteristic and strange it was of her to not only invite her co-worker, a woman she has been at odds with so many times in the past, to a spot that had become so special to her, a respite from the daily grind and the horrors of the job and the haunting images in her own brain, but to christen it as "their" place immediately upon walking in the door, when Amanda had only just stepped inside for the first time. The kinship she had felt with her co-worker and the urge to share a place that has brought her so much peace had been incredibly overwhelming at the time, and she still feels the same way now, as she knows how much her colleague is dreading the upcoming day and wants to do anything she can to bring her some comfort.

"Well, sure, we can go," Amanda replies, and Olivia frowns at the slight hesitancy in the other woman's tone. "But didn't I kind of ruin it when we were there last night?"

"How did you ruin it, honey?"

"Well, you were there, Liv, so you know," Amanda snickers, but the sound has a tinge of sadness to it. "I had a complete meltdown and I embarrassed you. I'm sorry about that."

"You didn't embarrass me, Amanda," Olivia assures her gently. "What happened was understandable, and my only concern was for you and no one else." She strokes her hand soothingly through the younger woman's blonde hair, the golden strands slipping through her fingers like silk. "I've already decided that I'm going back there at the end of the day, and I would love for you to join me."

There is a brief contemplative silence before Amanda lifts her head off of Olivia's shoulder and graces her with a small smile. "Thank you, Liv," she says appreciatively. "I would love that too."

"Good, I'm glad," Olivia replies with a smile of her own, and then leans over to give the screen of her cell phone a tap, checking the time. "We still have a couple of hours before we have to start getting ready for the day. Do you want to try and get some more sleep?"

"Trying to get some sleep doesn't seem to be working out too well for either one of us," Amanda answers with a sigh, laying her head back down on Olivia's shoulder. "Since this day is going to be such a tough one, why don't we start it off on a bit of a lighter note? Maybe we can finish that romantic comedy we were watching earlier, now that the power is back on."

"Sounds like a plan," Olivia says, reaching over to pick the remote up from the coffee table and switching on the TV.

"Hopefully your next door neighbor has stopped bitching now that the lights are back on," Amanda smirks as the movie begins to play, and Olivia laughs, rolling her eyes and turning up the volume.

She settles back against the couch cushions, her arm wrapped protectively around Amanda who is tucked snugly into her side, both of them cocooned comfortably together beneath the fuzzy blanket. Despite the terrible circumstances that have led them to this point, Olivia can't help but be grateful that some good has come out of the bad; that there seems to be a faint light of hope shining through the darkness now.

She and Amanda have each found what they have been looking for, what they have both so desperately needed: kindness, understanding, compassion, and empathy; the qualities of a deep and lasting friendship.


End file.
